What's Goin On

I have been rather dry on ideas for art posts lately and I do apologize to anyone who comes here just for the art images and their accompanying tidbits. The weather is good now and that means that I'm out there enjoying it and taking lots of photos. Those of you who visit regularly know my fondness for my camera and the occasional good photo it sometimes surprises me with.

I do have two art posts in the works right now:  one feature on the work of Georges Seurat and another in the series A Letter from Vincent. The latter is a mixture of excerpts from the letters of Van Gogh to his brother Theo and corresponding images of the paintings he was working on or those by other painters that fueled Vincent's intensity and passion.

 On June 23rd, I'm leaving for Santa Barbara to visit my daughter (SG1) and her wife, whom I call Beloved. I haven't seen SG1 since August of 2009, so I'm very much looking forward to spending time. I'll be back on July 6, which means I'll be celebrating my 51st birthday in sunny Santa Barbara, as well as the 4th festivities. SG1's Americorp stint will be over for the summer (she's enlisted for another year) and Beloved will have a light class load at UCSB, where she finished the master's portion of her degree and will begin work on the phd part in the fall. All is going according to plan for the happy couple, I'm pleased to say.  :-)

A week or so later, WP and I are leaving for the fairy cottage in Nova Scotia until the end of July. I plan on being home all of August to work on some house projects and enjoy my yard, the river and a few day trips here and there. We may even sneak in a visit to New York City, as there are lots of cool things going on at MoMA.

Peace, love and all groovy things,
Pagan Sphinx

For now, here are two images for you to enjoy - one each from Van Gogh and Seurat. 

Georges Seurat

The Seine at Courbevoie  

c1886

Flower Pot with Chives

What's Goin On

 A photo from Christmas of SG1 and my mother, who visited from Portugal for holidays.

One of the last photos I had an opportunity to take of SG1 at the Mount Holyoke campus, before she graduated last year.

Some time constraints have eased for me and I am able to blog with a frenzy this coming week. If you see a new post, please scroll down for what will probably be others that have been posted in close succession. They're mostly art posts, though I've been finding it fun to engage with my blog pals a bit by asking for requests such as a favorite nude for The Friday Evening Nudes and more recently, asking folks to tell me what famous artist they would want to paint their portrait. For me this is entertaining and lots of fun. I think I've lost some readers who may not really like art all that much but I guess that's the way things go as a blog evolves and eventually knows what it wants to be.

Just a note to my blog pals about what's goin' on in the life of Pagan Sphinx. Not much, really. My class ended two weeks ago and I'm awaiting my grade a bit anxiously, as the class was a ball of confusion due to an unprepared, inadequate and ambiguous instructor. There was one component of my final project that was missing due to how convoluted the last minute revisions the instructor imposed on the final assignment were. I'll try to be gracious about my final grade, if I feel it is fair but if I feel it isn't, I will certainly contest it. I palled up with three other women in the class and all three of us had the same impressions. Including that if you were a woman over 40 in that class, you remained invisible even if you stood on your head on your chair and did the splits. Oh, well.

Otherwise, I work. I come home and talk on the phone with my girls for as long as it takes for them to tell me what's on their minds. Sometimes, it is a long time before I'm done with my phoning. I'm glad they keep in touch so much.

SG1 is busy prepping for the GRE (graduate admissions exam) so that she can begin to narrow down what graduate programs she'd like to enroll in. If she is accepted to one far from Santa Barbara, it will mean a separation for her and her wife. I find it amazing that they're willing to be apart so they can both fulfill their goals. SG1 is way too goal-oriented and very clear about what she wants to accomplish to take a back seat to a partner. They both understand that and wish to help the other. Although, it won't be easy, I see this couple as being very supportive of each other and I don't doubt their ability to make things work. SG1 is interviewing for a summer position as a research assistant for a professor at UC Santa Barbara who is doing some huge study or textbook writing, I'm not sure, on constitutional law, which is one of SG1's areas of expertise. Americorps continuous to drain her with its 12 hour days and endless demands for community activities on weekends. It is a means to an end, as after two years with them, they will give her 10 grand, which will wipe out her own student loans. I wish they would give me some money to pay off my portion of her student loans. All in all, it is not much, considering that it costs around $50,000 per year to send a student through a private U.S. college or university. You either have to be rich or smart. And I'm sure you can imagine which category we fit into.

SG2 is not taking classes this semester at BU. She applied for a paid internship at the Boston Globe and got it. She's not thrilled about working the 5:30 to 1:30 am shift but she says she's learned more in a month of the internship than she has over the course of the five semesters of journalism classes she's taken. I worry about her ability to find work in print media, as newspapers are folding and cutting back jobs like crazy these days.

I am otherwise healthy and fortunate to be 83% Happy. You, my blog pals, are responsible for more than just a few percentage points of that!

This song is for my beloved family and for all of you who care enough to come here often or even every once in a while.

What's Goin On

SG2 home for holiday break

Good news from Boston:  my daughter, SG2 (21), a junior at BU, majoring in journalism was offered a paid internship at The Boston Globe, working the city desk. She had mixed feelings about it when trying to make the decision of whether or not to accept it and after her first day (yesterday) she's feeling even more insecure about her ability to handle such a fast-paced news environment. I'm trying to counsel and guide her, as I'm sure her dad is.

She was in tears today, which always wrecks me! Help me out and send good vibes out to my girl, okay?

:-)

All the love,

Pagan Sphinx

What's Goin' On - It's a Snow Day!

I love snow days. Some of my co-teachers don't like snow days because it means we have days to make up at the end of the school year. I don't mind getting up and going to work in good weather, so a few extra days of school tacked on in June doesn't bother me one bit.

It's really pretty out there but I still have a lot to do to get the house ready for my mother's visit. I'm actually enjoying the domesticity of it all. At this stage in my life, I much prefer the domesticity thing to the student thing.

As some of you know, I've embarked on a journey through "higher education" to try and obtain a masters in education, with emphasis in special education, including a additional teaching license. In Massachusetts, they aren't cutting anyone any slack. And did I mention it's expensive? And why did I not suspect more strongly that the quality of this education would be mediocre? The classes are all at night and and in the summer. I don't mean to be a snob, as I was educated exclusively by public education and I work for the public school system. However, the quality of the instruction for night classes is fairly pathetic. Sigh. So I'm re-thinking if I want to continue pursuing this. I have a job and I'm not sure that the pay-off is worth what I will get back. What it would mean is that I would have more options outside my own school district. Hopefully at a slightly larger school with better resources.

The state of Massachusetts can more than afford to make the requirements stiffer. I don't know what the statistics are, exactly, but there is a very large pool of people wanting to enter the field of education right now including unemployed career-changers. Those who are already teaching, are swarming to update licenses and to obtain additional licenses that make them more flexible to their school districts.

I have a snow day from school to experience. What am I doing talking about school? 

 I haven't been taking many pictures for months now but I do have this one to share from last winter and it looks much like today. This one's from January of this year and there is a lot more snow on the bushes. Today we got 6-8 inches, I'm guessing. I haven't listened to a radio or turned on a TV today. I haven't had lunch yet. There is some Chinese take-out from last night for lunch. And then it's back to domesticville. I like the look of the snow from the cozy house.

Over the weekend I accomplished what seemed like an overwhelming task until I really tackled it:  cleaning out a closet in the upstairs bedroom with the remains of four teen-age girls. Wait. No. It's not that gruesome. It's really about objects from the past lives of four young women:  my two, who are 22 and almost 21 and WP's two who are 25 and 27. The only one of them now who keeps an address here is my younger SG2 who a junior in college in Boston.

Several phone calls were made and some determinations were made about what would be saved and what would be throw out or donated. When all is said and done, I took out of the closet (and from a couple of drawers) two large bags of trash and three large bags for Sal's. I reclaimed the closet. It's neat and clean and organized. I made room for my suitcases, which are always being shuffled about. The room itself looks really good. It's so 1950's with its built-ins, painted light yellow. And oh the charm of a hardwood floor that a teenager once took red permanent marker to, circa 1999. It's mostly covered up with a rug. When I whine about it, WP tells me "put it on this list" and sighs. The list grows ever longer. Sigh indeed.

Among the things remaining in that closet, one thing strikes me most:  the two wedding gowns; the ones my daughter and daughter-in-law wore on their wedding day when they up and eloped to San Francisco to take advantage of their right to marry. It was a right that was to last only a few short months in California but their marriage is legal, even after the passage of Prop 8. It was mind-boggling the planning they had to do in advance to make the decision to marry when they did. For practical and legal reasons, they had to marry in California and they knew that there would be a small window before they took it away again. So when people comment that my twenty-two-year-old is too young to be married, she responds politely with "so people tell me" and smiles. So do I. Although I did think she was too young to get married. And a year later, I fully understand. She's happy, she is working hard for Americorps and she's putting her ducks in a row for graduate school. And she's married. To a wonderful young woman - my fifth daughter, really.  That makes me smile. Girls. Girls. Girls. I love it.

WP's oldest, M lives in San Francisco and early this summer, so early this summer, I fly to Santa Barbara to spend time with SG1 and the Beloved and then flying to San Francisco to visit WP's daughter. Two birds on the west coast and two on the east coast. So Far.

SG2 is flying the nest more slowly. Given her nature since babyhood, I am not surprised. She struggles with college sometimes in that she is at a big university and things have a tendency to get boggled more as a result. She's not sure if she wants to be a journalist now and she is considering a master's in another field. She is an excellent, talented writer but if she is going to have any financial autonomy, she has to put her skills to use and be able to support herself. She loves Boston and she's made some very close friends there. Her boyfriend since September is a BU student as well and plans on sticking around. Another child to fly away soon. And you never stop worrying about any of them. We are very fortunate, though. We worry because it is the nature of parents to do so but we thankfully don't have much to seriously worry about with this bunch. I am always grateful for this.

SG2 relaxing outside the MFA

I will leave you with another photo from a wintry last year. I did speak of birds and nests, didn't I?  ;-)

If you're interested, the post below is on America artist Milton Avery. Tell me which is your favorite!

What's Goin' On - Long Post

Matisse

My Summer Class

The end of June, through July 13 was a whirlwind. I finished school on June 22, participated in a hiring committee for a new principal at my school and started my first class (the accelerated version) of my graduate program. The class ran from June 29-July 10. I submitted my final assignment on time on July 12 and we left for Spain and Portugal on July 13. I'm pooped.

About the class. It was set up in such a way that we all learned a tremendous amount about special education and all sorts of issues and topics regarding that field. There were numerous student presentations, with handouts and email attachments and all sorts of goodies as resources. There were films and speakers. There was not very much lecture. I like a good lecture if the instructor is well-spoken and has actually prepared a spiel that is easy to follow. When well-constructed, I learn a lot this way. When it's disjointed, I tune out and can't learn at all. This instructor was disjointed. That could be why she chose to not lecture much. She was a wonderful person to deal with, though. Except that one time she quietly quipped that I was giving her a headache (I was trying to explain something which was already convoluted and she was not understanding it). I found myself taking her comment with my usual dose of bemusement.

I haven't taken a serious college course in about four years. And that one was very low-tech and not even held in a college classroom but in the building of a non-profit organization. The class I took this summer was held in a college classroom, with computers at each seat. This is a first for me in higher education. Remember I finished my Bachelor's Degree in 1984, a bit behind schedule. I was still typing up papers on a word processing typewriter! I found myself relieved that I knew what I was doing with all the computer-related stuff. Most of the students did, because of our education background. I can only imagine how I would have fared, had I been entering a new field with limited computer skills.

There were emails and attachments coming into my in-box, left and right. Almost all of the presentations (twelve in all, I believe), included email attachments and links and any manner of information. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of attachments in my email. And trying to sort through everything became a chore in and of itself. I got an A in the class, by the way. This was encouraging, though the pace of this program is way intense and I've decided to put the brakes on it and go slower. Instead of taking the other summer class available for August, I've decided to go on another vacation with WP. More on that later.

On Being a Misfit

Being among the older members of the class, there were times when I asked myself "how did I get here" (a David Byrne question).

Speaking of David Byrne. I recently heard that he has Asperger's Syndrome, which is a mild form of autism. That's the topic I did my presentation on for class and based my other project loosely on, with an emphasis on Multiple Intelligences. I'm fascinated with autism and Asperger's. There are three children at my small school who are on the autism spectrum and I enjoy working with one and interacting with the other two who are in other classrooms. I read a book called Look Me in the Eye by a local author John Elder Robison, of Amherst, Massachusetts. He has a blog by the same name, which I've just begun to follow as a result of having read his fantastic book.

My own life with someone with more than a touch of Asperger's is a story for another time. Suffice it to say that he is totally brilliant and successful and I'm one of only about three people in the world who can make him look me in the eye. I love him and accept him and intend to spend the rest of my life with him. It's interesting to bring Asperger's to his attention because he just grins and doesn't say anything. I get it. If that's what he "has", he's accepted himself and hopes that others will also. And if they don't, oh well. I can understand that.

I don't have Asperger's but I have qualities that I identify with in Asperger's people. I'm more of a loner. I don't like being around a lot of people all at once. I don't mind it if the group of people are children. But then, of course, I want to be their teacher, or it's totally unmanageable! :-) Social interactions and "niceties" tire me out but I manage when I have to. Especially if it means a lot to someone. Like it will mean a lot to WP's daughter who is getting married next year, that I socialize at her extraordinarily large wedding. Yikes. :-)

My girls tell me I am just plain anti-social. Double yikes. I don't think I'm all-out anti-social. I prefer to socialize and be around one or a few other people; usually friends and family. I don't feel comfortable with huge, extended networks of people that I have to put a lot of effort into fitting in with. I am by nature solitary and independent. I avoid too many human entanglements because people are just too damned complicated and exhausting. Present company excluded, of course. :-)

Edvard Munch

I think that's why I like to blog. The medium puts me in touch with people who understand the world of my head and even sometimes have something to say about it. Having grown up a working class kid from an immigrant family didn't exactly put me in touch with intellectuals and artists, writers and assorted funky types. And to this day, I still feel intimidated by such people face-to-face. I recently commented on one of Lisa's posts at That's Why (she met The Cracker Queen in person as well as some guy whose radio voice she takes a shower with - it's a hilarious post and you must read it!) that I am so celebrity-shy as to be almost rude. I can't even say to the band at the local roadhouse during a break that I liked their set. I just can't do it. Nevermind go up to an author or actor and start talking. In this way, I am painfully shy.

And I don't mean to knock my upbringing, though moving from one country to the next to the present one didn't exactly make it easy to fit in. But it's within my family that I learned to love and trust and within that immigrant community that I learned what I wanted from it and what I did not. And to my father, I owe a tremendous lot because he shared his intelligence, his talents and his passions with me. He too was different from those around him and though he never said so, I think he understood that we were alike in this way.

Blogging is the inner world of my head. Such as it is. I've not made it the inner world of my heart very much. I feel a kind of love and kindness and compassion and interest toward many people I've encountered through blogging but as far as opening up to an extent that would make me feel vulnerable, I have done very little of that. I guess because my younger self was much more without protection and I was hurt too many times. I don't need to get knocked on my arse by someone I don't know but thought I could trust. It is simply a happier way of being for me online. Besides, everyone has their own problems, so many of which are worse than mine are at this stage in my life when I am pretty decently happy.

Saying Goodbye to SG1

SG2 and I said a teary goodbye to our SG1 at the airport last Thursday. A very emotional drive from Franklin County to Logan Airport, frought with tension and stress and strong feelings. She's called daily since from Santa Barbara, with tidbits about her and Beloved's tiny apartment and their time visiting the beach. SG1 sounds happy and in love with Beloved and the weather there!
She's starting her Americorps stint at the elementary school in a couple of weeks. It will be within a few minutes walking distance from the Santa Barbara University campus. Beloved starts classes around the same time, I believe. Things are falling into place for them and therefore I am a happy Mommy.

William Merit Chase

Summer and Shrimp Salad

I love summer. Whether I'm traveling or at home. I love summer. Even when it's sticky and humid (as it's been since I came back from Europe). I love summer. This week and last we've had WP's eldest M visiting from San Francisco. She and WP just left for the airport, after a yummy shrimp salad lunch I made from M's recipe: one pound of cooked shrimp, one avocado, green and red pepper, red onion, a splash of olive oil and seasoned rice vinegar, freshly ground pepper and salt to taste. With crusty bread and a glass of white wine for me. The girls obstained from the latter, leaving all the extra calories to me. They do watch those figures.

David Hockney

Another Vacation

On Saturday we're off to Nova Scotia again. This time we're staying put at Five Islands and going into the sweet town of Parrsboro for entertainment and dining. We're also looking at a drive to Halifax for the Busker Festival. We attended last summer and it was a blast. This is going to be so, so nice...a relaxing vacation. Yessssssssss.

click to enlarge
Taken on last year's trip to Nova Scotia by me

I will tell you goodbye now because we're leaving on Saturday all I have queued up for you is the Friday Nudes and Music For Sunday. I will post again in a few weeks or if we decide to bring a computer.

All the love,
Pagan Sphinx

What's Goin' On: Busy as Hell

I wanted to let you all know how sorry I am that I've not been able to get to blogs. This past weekend was really time-consuming (in a good way) but I'm very behind with everything else in my life. I've also been busy gathering materials to submit for both the masters program and a couple of jobs I'm interested in applying for.

The girls are home, too, and I'd like to spend as much time with them as I can this summer. All of this leaves very little time for hobbies and interests.

I think I can continue to post the Friday Nudes and the occasional update and if I'm able, I'll visit your blogs a few at a time. I'm filled with regret, as I so love visiting blogs. I know you will understand but I'll feel like I'm the one really missing out.

All the love,
Pagan Sphinx

What's Goin' On

There's a lot goin' on! I'm assembling my info for the application packet for the graduate (fast-track) program I'm enrolling in. The first class starts on June 29. That means that I have one precious week after school ends and before I start attending M-TH, from 2:30-7:30 daily, with an hour plus round-trip commute. This ends on July 9.

In two weeks SG1 and The Beloved are graduating from college; cum laude and with thesis honors. Several activities are planned that weekend, which is Memorial Day weekend. The girls are moving into their tiny apartment on the Santa Barbara University campus mid-August. That is starting to settle in, though it's still hard for me to imagine my daughter living a continent away from me. She has applied for a AmeriCorp job which she is eagerly awaiting word about. The Beloved will have her graduate studies and stipend and SG1 hopefully will be working a job with benefits. AmeriCorps is perfect: offers benefits, money toward the cost of paying off student loans and a small stipend. We're really hoping she gets it. She would be perfect in that setting.

SG2 is home for the summer and will be starting her summer job this weekend at the supermarket. She's somewhat despondent about leaving Boston and all her friends. She's settled in very nicely this year and immensely looking forward to returning. This is cause for relief for me, her mother, because her first year was not her happiest. She and her high school boyfriend have parted ways for a few months now and she is seeing other boys, having fun and doing very well in school.

This summer SG1 and SG2 and I are going on vacation together to visit my mother in Portugal; not far from Lisbon. But before we do that, we're making a little stop. I'm splurging on three days and nights in Barcelona for us. I can't imagine the next time we'll have such an opportunity. The Beloved is flying home to Sacramento to spend her last summer with her family before she and SG1 resume their life as a couple. This is the perfect time for the three of us to do some bonding and funning together. Then we go relax with my mother and see the rest of my family and enjoy some hot Portuguese sun, some Atlantic Ocean and lots of great food.

These family trips to Portugal have tended to have sibling rivalry all over them in the past but we're going to try to behave as if that's not so. We three are older and wiser and hoping for the best. And I think we're all really going to try not to get on each other's nerves. (keeping fingers crossed). Speaking of the past. Here's a digital photo of a print (cuz I can't figure out this scanner and I just never get around to figuring it out) of us on vacation in Portugal in 92', I think it was. That flash is glare and the one making the goofy face is SG1, in her own little world.



I think I've accepted the fact that I have to get through this program in order to get out of the trap I'm in at work, which I can't discuss in very much detail here. Today was just awful. Every day that I have like this at work is just another indication of how I need to move on from there. It is simply just a bad fit between this workplace and me.

World and national politics have me burned out. I'm discouraged by the escalation of war. Instead of bringing the troops home from Iraq, we're gearing up big-time for Afghanistan and Iran. I didn't expect such hawkishness from this president. Go ahead and lecture me, if you need to. I know a lot of people feel that Obama is between a rock and a hard place. But you can't convince me war is justified. It very rarely is. It should be a last resort. I know it's ideaistic but it's my conscience and I'm listening to it.

What are you all doing for the summer, do you know yet?

What's Goin' On

photo by Pagan Sphinx

Flowers in Emily Dickinson's Garden Amherst, Massachusetts

Wow! I can't believe it's been an entire week since I've been to either of my blogs. I believe that's the longest stretch of time I've gone without posting something, except when I've been on vacation.

It was no picnic, though. I ran around a lot for Alice's service on Saturday, the 11th and I haven't stopped running since. There was stuff to do: calls and visits to make, thank yous to pass on, emails to return. I managed to get some yard work done but that's about it. The house, especially my room and workspace, are a total freaking mess. The good news is that next week is spring vacation week and I can try to get some things done without entirely sacrificing my mad time; time to just do what I want to do, have fun and enjoy the weather.

I want to thank all who sent good wishes and prayers and thoughts and love our way when Alice died. Your kindness is very much appreciated, as this has been a highly reflective time for me. Alice is the first very old person with whom I became friends. Every other loss has been an elderly relative: grandparents, aunts and uncles. It affected me more than I was prepared for. You start feeling the loss more as the days go on, especially when you're accustomed to seeing and talking to that person on a regular basis.

Ed: thank you for the Tongue and Groove CD! It was a very cool surprise to get that in the mail! I've yet to play it but "yet to" has my mantra lately. One of the reasons I'm looking forward to vacation is so I can listen to your bass! ;-) Best to Suzy and thank you both for keeping our family in your thoughts.

Bobbie, Dianne, JCF, Betmo, Cunning Runt, Susan, Linda, Steve, Lisa, Fran, Sherry, Thorne, Kenju and Daryl - you are all dear to me. Really. Oh, and Grandmere Mimi and Soulbrush, too. I hope I haven't forgotten anyone who so generously has remembered my family and me. Hugs and love to you all.

Bluebear2 - It's been much too long since we exchanged blog visits! I'm glad to see you are around and thus your blogs. I'll go over to see what you've been up to very soon. Your story is quite sad. We're hoping to keep Alice's house in the family and maybe even see grandchildren grow up there. But in the way future, who knows.

Aleksandra: welcome and thank you for the Easter greetings. I would love to check out your blog soon.

Utah Savage: Why, thank you for the award! I'm on my way there right now to pick it up. I kind of like that feeling of anticipation, don't you? We lead such exciting lives. Always busy picking up awards that define how wonderful we are! ;-) I'm glad this blog planet exists as a break from the ordinariness of daily life!

Enjoy your week and I hope to be a part of comments on all of your blogs starting...well...now!

As they say in Portugal "beijinhos" (little kisses)

What's Goin' On: Another Update

Thank you again and again for your good wishes.

Changes at work with a new hire and with that, a bit of adjustment and stress. Just a touch. I'm trying hard not to let it get out of hand. Suffice it to say about work: I'm at times amazed by the things that people will say about each other. Completely subjective, arrogant, bigoted and otherwise insensitive. Ugh.

I'm also fighting hard not to become a total recluse. Blogging is good for me in the sense that I maintain contact with people, albeit not face-to-face, but at least it's a form of socialization and community. Even blogging lately has felt like a chore. I don't know if it's because I've taken on too many blogging "responsibilities", if you will. Or if it has something to do with having been sick. Or even if this lack of motivation is perhaps a life-cycle thing? Does it have to do with peri-menopause? I'm changing, I know that. None of if is freaking me out much so far. In fact, all I long for is a sort of peaceful bliss all the time. But meanwhile, I feel guilty because I'm not accomplishing enough, either in the real world or in blogging.

I face a graduate program stint in the not so distant future and I'm flaked out about it simply because I don't want to be a student. Actually, I'd love to be a student. An art history student, for example. Instead I will be enduring a year's worth of crap, most of which I already know because the state feels I need this credential. And perhaps I do but it would be nice if there was an easier, sort of more home-grown, local way to go about it. Oh and did I mention affordable? Oh, there's such a shortage of special education teachers! Oh, yeah? Then why the hell is there no financial help available to obtain the credential? It's going to cost $10,000 for me to obtain this credential. Another non-incentive.

I need the credential because it will mean a fair salary increase and perhaps even, going to another school where the classroom environment isn't so ambiguous. It's hard to explain without going into great detail, which I don't want to do publicly. Suffice it to say that the communication aspect of my classroom environment is a struggle for me. With the other adults, I mean. The children are the joy of it and the least of my concerns.

To recap: I'm seriously lacking motivation for anything yet I am not depressed. I feel at peace inside, for the most part and finding it remarkably easy to love and care for others. My weaknesses are still a lack of patience with people who convolute things too much. And a lack of patience with those who don't open up to whatever extent is necessary to work together more harmoniously. And I can be a pain in the ass sometimes, too. I interrupt when I need clarification on something, which bugs people sometimes but if I don't clarify, then by the time they're finished, I will have forgotten to ask; this being especially true when I'm dealing with a very long-winded person. Right? I really just want to get the whole story. And I can be very straightforward with people if I need to cut right to the chase, which takes some people aback. I choose my battles but when I have to fight one, I'm pretty assertive. And I can be contrary during this process. It is precisely because of this tendency, that I have learned (the hard way sometimes) to choose my battles.

A little bit more about me that you may not have expected to read. I hope it's okay...

Love and thanks,
Pagan Sphinx


This was the other Frida Khalo that is at the MoMA. It's not a good photo and so better off reduced in size as posted.

What's Goin' On

A bit of an update...

I'm doing much better. Thank you all so much for your caring and concern. Those five days of being sick took a lot out of me but I went to work yesterday and today and felt a bit tired but otherwise all better. I'm trying to take it easy all week, eat right and get lots of rest before Saturday. I'm going to Boston and staying overnight in the SG2's dorm room. Her roommate will be away for the weekend, so it works well.

I'm looking forward to spending time with my girl. I'm hoping for both good health and good weather. We like to walk and talk when we're together. We have a lot to catch up on.

Tonight I'm going to try to get to a few blogs. I'm behind on my blog reading, the photo memes, email and news. In Friday's NY Times, I read about the 17,000 troops to Afghanistan, which didn't surprise me and yet news like that never ceases to break my heart.

Otherwise, I know that the stockmarket continues to plunge, Gitmo is not going to close down as quickly as we'd hoped and that Republicans are arseholes, but that's not news, is it?

I'm planning to eat Indian leftovers, do a couple of loads of laundry, watch President Obama's address to the Congress and call it a night.

And this is a photo of my amaryllis, which has been blooming deliciously.

photo by the pagan sphinx

What's Goin' On

I'm still quite sick. Fighting off infections with antibiotics, natural remedies and anything else that may work. And the headache continues, though currently abated with the help of lots of Excedrin.

The headaches are a result of an injury due to a fall about five years ago. The fall caused a whiplash type injury that comes back to haunt me through neck and headache pain. Only to be kept under control by neuro-muscular pain relief administered by The Man with the Magic Hands. But it costs; a lot. He's very willing to cut me some slack on the sliding scale right now but I feel guilty because I am in a better place than most. I do have health insurance for me and the Supergirls but it's costing CR and me a small fortune per month, whereas up until two months ago, the girls' coverage was free through his plan, which he no longer has. Lack of a comprehensive single-payer national health plan is killing this country's people -both financially and literaly. I actually have Sicko on hand from Netflix to watch sometime today. Just what I need to perk up my spirits...

Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that we got home safely and that despite my various ailments, I'm actually fine, overall. WP's mother is in intensive care but doing well, so we'll be visiting her today and then I'm going down to see SG1 for a tiny bit to deliver some goodies. She and The Beloved are in the throws of thesis writing and have little time for anything else. The good news is that The Beloved is being heavily courted by UC Santa Barbara, who are paying her flight and accomodations to go visit the university. They really want her, so hopefully that means a good package for her there.

Do you want to see a couple of pictures from New York? I leave you with these.

Judy Chicago's place for Emily Dickinson at The Dinner Party
(more on this exhibit at The Brooklyn Museam, in a future post)


Rodin sculpture, in the foyer of The Brooklyn Museaum

What's Goin' On

How was every one's weekend? Back to work tomorrow but that's a good thing. To speak plainly: I feel fortunate that I have a job and health insurance benefits, sick time and a union. And I'm doing my damnest to make the most of it. Doom and gloom everywhere. And there is no end in sight! I'm looking at the depressing prospect of launching my first-born into this economy when she graduates from college later this year. :-/ Yikes.

Meanwhile life tumbles along. I've posted some nice art for Mellow Yellow Monday - go to The Pagan's Eye to check it out.

I also plan to square up some music or some insane youtube nonsense or lotsense. Stay tuned.

Make Love, Not War, Children. Don't forget to love the kids and the animals. Remember to pay attention to everything. Take care of your heart while at the same time holding your own. Feel deserving.
(I don't know what' s gotten in to me with the preaching. ;-)

Love all; trust a few; do harm to none.
~ William Shakespeare

What's Goin' On

There are a few things I intend to do differently next holiday season. The thing is, I'll have to add them on top of all the other things I did this year. It's something to think about.

One of the things I missed this year was my mother. She spent Christmas 2006 with us and visited this past summer from Portugal but it would have been great to have her around. Still, I know she was in many ways happy to relax and not go on any long trips.

Another thing I intend to try to add; notice the emphasis on try. When TCR and I were married, whether my parents were visiting or not, I prepared a Christmas Eve Portuguese meal of cooked salt cod, potatoes and greens, dressed with olive oil and red wine vinegar and a lot freshly ground black pepper. Crusty bread and white wine are essential with this meal. But in my new blended family, no one likes salt cod and we had extra company this year on Christmas Eve. It was quite busy. I enjoyed it but I'm still having a hankering for that salt cod! I'm hoping to pick some up tomorrow so it will be ready to cook on Wednesday. Sherry really got me going with her Italian family's version of bacalla (salt cod). The squid just about put me over the top with longing for Atlantic seafood. Sherry, won't your relatives agree that the little tentacles are the best part? :-)

Hopefully SG2, who is having four impacted wisdom teeth removed, is well enough to enjoy it. On second thought, I think I'd better wait and see how quickly she comes 'round from the surgery. She's not very keen on the idea and is experiencing a bit of anxiety. It's going to be a tough case for the Nurse Mother. Wish us luck. When all is said and done, if we're still speaking, it'll be a miracle. ;-) She knows I jest.

Another thing to try to adopt next holiday is no presents. None at all. Not even small ones that we agreed upon and some people (you know who you are! ;-) go ahead an buy more elaborate gifts anyway. But I must admit I'm not complaining about the new cordless headphones WP surprised me with. Hooked up to my computer, I can so far walk from the bedroom where the laptop is and into the kitchen to pour more champagne. I don't like it when I start to want too many things. And yes, I've been a bit of a lush for two delicious, decadent days. Hehehe. The fun stops tomorrow. Yup. An aching mouth and minus four teeth later, I will be called upon to nurse duty for sure. I suppose I have to put a twenty under her pillow, too. ;-)

WP, his daughter M visiting from San Francisco and I took a drive over the mountain into North Adams to visit Mass MoCA. It was great entertainment. The company was good. It'so nice to see how happy WP is to have his daughter home for the holidays.

There is a Sol LeWitt exhibit at MoCA that knocked my socks off. There are lots of pictures posted to a Picassa online album.

Terrarium Heads:
Wayne (WP), Gina (PS) & Mari (M)

(you can barely see me in the middle; my hand i around Mari)

And stay tuned for a Artist of the Week post on Sol LeWitt.

What did you do today? And how was it?

What's Goin' On / Christmas / Solstice

I'm very slow to recover from this plague, as Dianne calls it. At this point, it's a vicious circle of the physical and psychological; with the physical troubles coming first and going 'round and 'round.

The ear pain is gone but my ear is still fuzzy. I'm taking the damned antibiotics, even though I strongly suspect this is viral. I wonder if it's the medication that's making me feel so queezy and headachy and otherwise out of sorts. Today is the last day I take the stuff, as it appears not to be doing much to help me. I have very little appetite and I'm now facing a return to work tomorrow, which I would be looking forward to except that I still don't feel up to par.

I've tried today to shake off the psychological piece of this plague by getting dressed in something other than sleep clothes. I paid some bills; I'm contemplating a load of laundry.

I've yet to step outside since my visit to the doctor's on Thursday. The thought just makes me feel sicker. Some of this low-level depression is due to the weather's most devastating consequence: The Winter Blues or as the shrinks call it: SAD. There was a hint of sun when I awoke not-so-early this afternoon. Yes. I woke up at 2:30 p.m. after having been awake from 2:00 to 5:3o a.m. I feel totally useless and almost lifeless. But not hopeless. Just impatient for this thing to go away so that I can feel normal and get about the business of decorating the house for Solstice. Or Yule.

These terms for the holidays don't exactly roll off the tongue. I was raised with Christmas because of both my mother and my culture; the latter of which is highly Roman Catholic. When I was a little girl in Portugal; where I was born and lived for the first six years of my life, Christmas was exactly that: a religious holiday to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. My father, being an atheist, was willing to go along with some of the traditions that my mother tried to uphold. I don't recall that we had a tree every year; I don't think we did. But I do remember one Christmas where my father found a bare tree branch and stuck it into a tin pail full of sand. We had these little clay knick-knacks around the house: little jugs with tiny hand-painted flowers (I have since bought a whole collection of these on visits to Portugal and we hang them on our family tree) and a few small, plastic toys that we strung with yarn and decorated the tree with.

This was in the early 60's when neither consumerism nor democracy had yet arrived in Portugal. Regular, working people went to church and prepared a slightly more special dinner and desserts than usual. I remember baked chicken, rice pudding in small saucers, with cinnamon designs sprinkled on top. My brother and I got to choose what type of design we wanted for our individual pudding and my mother would sprinkle a start or a spiral with cinnamon.

People went to church for midnight mass but we did not. My father didn't believe in it and though my mother was free to go if she wished, she chose to stay at home with us. One religious custom I recall is that my mother would have my brother and me each fetch one of our boots to leave out for the Baby Jesus to put something special into. It was always something very humble by American standards; even of the early to mid 60's: a couple of clementines, walnuts or a sweet treat. Purchased presents were largely unheard of in our family, though other relatives who were more affluent would get a few toys. We got sweaters that my mother hand-knitted for us or new winter boots, socks; practical things.

I'm not wanting to call the holiday Christmas anymore because I'm not a Christian, firstly. And if I were, why would I want to celebrate the birth of Jesus in December? What I'm really celebrating is The Winter Solstice. Let's face it, the darkest time of the year deserves some merriment; a celebration that the days will soon become a bit longer and we will gradually see the return of the sun and all the life and light it brings. This I can wrap my mind and soul around.

We've given up on the consumerism of the season almost altogether. We give very small, inexpensive gifts to one-another. Our children understand and appreciate that they're fortunate to have the gift of $2oo, 000 educations. At least that's what the full "retail" price of it is. The Girls have worked hard and benefited from much private merit and needs-based help. The government gives us very little, as we are not "poor" enough. That's okay. I don't think it's unfair that the uber-rich parents of their college mates are helping to foot the bill through endowment contributions. Thank you very much.

My contribution to The Season is to decorate the house with those Pagan touches: a tree with a lifetime's worth of two families' respective ornament collections, lots of table-top decorations and lots of indoor lights and real candles, greenery and touches of red everywhere. We also make a wonderful meal and stuff stockings with practical items and candy. We enjoy it. We don't make ourselves crazy and stressed.

Honestly, in preparing my gift list for WP, I came to the conclusion that I don't really want anything. Actually, that's not true. I want a new Imac to replace the ancient, heavy HP laptop that sits on my desk. But I don't need it. This one will do me for some time to come. SG1 will soon need a new computer to replace the one she's had since freshman year. That will be the priority before she starts graduate school in 2010. I want but don't need an Ipod. I had one briefly that WP found on the sidewalk in San Francisco but it only worked for a month before the battery went dead. Neither the battery nor the gadget will be replaced any time soon. I want but don't need a couple of gorgeous sweaters and tops that I've been ogling in online catalogs.

What I wanted most is almost finished: a new floor for a huge area of my house. It's replacing the oldest, ugliest linoleum you have ever seen; dating back to 1952. I kid you not. I'm grateful for the kindness and generosity of my loving partner who knows how much "home" matters to me. And even though the long process of this renovation project has been exasperating at times, it's taught me that our relationship is more important than the instant gratification of a new floor; presto. And so I've learned to be patient throughout the long ordeal of WP trying to fit in doing the floor work with his own job and other matters that come up routinely. If I'd had my druthers, I would have had someone install it in a day but WP is a thrifty man and he insisted on buying the flooring from the least expensive outlet he could find and putting it in himself, saving us about $2,000 in the process.

Oh and a few days ago, I knew even more certainly that I'd found the right man when he came home from the library with a John Lennon biography for me to read. Sometimes I think he's not paid attention to what floats my boat and it's only five years for us; but he is proving that he does indeed listen and care about what matters to me.

I think it was Betmo (sorry, Bet, but I can't find the exact post) who said in a recent post that the best gift is the gift of time. I can honestly say that I have that from WP. We are inseparable. We can spend an entire day going about our respective tasks, in the same house, hardly speak to each other until dinner and still feel connected. Of course, we do find each other frequently throughout the day and we give each other a squeeze or a kiss or a touch on the shoulder. This so works for me! And then there are other times when we spend an entire weekend day watching movies together; snuggling and feeling very lucky and contented.

Time is a gift indeed and I don't intend to miss out on it just because the rest of the world is going holiday-crazy. Time spent also brings the gifts of understanding, acceptance and unconditional love. You can't have those things if you don't invest the time in the people you love.

Namaste, my friends.

P.S. I want to thank my friend Bobbie at Almost There for this post, which inspired a few of my own Christmas (as it was then) memories.

What's Goin' On

Life is mostly peaceful and boring; just the way I like it. Our autumn has been spectacular with some seasonal rain but otherwise lots of sunny, warmish, blue-sky days. I've been taking a lot of pictures and otherwise enjoying my surroundings and the company I keep.

Last night we unearthed the flannel blanket, down comforter and fuzzy socks. When I awoke late this morning, warm and smugly under the blankets, I could feel the chilly morning air on my face. Something about fall that makes me happy, is this. We are determined not to use the heat until it's absolutely, truly cold. It's good that this early 1950's house is tight and well-insulated. And there is something to be said for conservation by dressing warmly instead of going straight to the thermostat.

SG1 decided some weeks ago that she would be taking a one year break before applying to graduate school; a move I whole-heatedly support. Her Beloved is currently applying to several graduate programs in California, with an almost sure shot at San Francisco State University. She's really hoping UCLA and if she is chosen, she will likely go there.

Oh, my.

My daughter going to Los Angeles? Yikes. She grew up in rural Western Massachusetts. She attends college in bucolic surroundings. Yet, I know she is well-suited to city life and will adapt. Access to public transportation will certainly free her, as she does not care to drive - at all. As in, never obtained a driver's license. Going everywhere on trains and buses will broaden he world. She will occasionally venture off to another campus for an event but otherwise is fairly well cloistered at Mount Holyoke. Well, cloistered physically but broadened intellectually to an extent that I never was in college. It's what she wants and adores. I'm happy she's realizing her dreams but also taking care of her mental health (bipolar disorder). She's ruled out law school completely and will apply to combined masters/ph.d programs in gender studies. She'll likely end up teaching at a college or university and living a faculty life.

SG2 is laboring on at Boston University and alternates between complaining she's sick of school when she's stressed or awaiting the results of an exam or paper, in which case she's always worried she's messed up somehow. But then when she's surprised that she did better than she thought (which almost always), she feels okay again about moving forward with college until graduation. She has a job which pays for sundry things, which really helps her dad and me out. Actually both girls have work-study jobs to help out.

It gets a little freaky thinking about likely more than doubling my current loans for the last three semesters of SG2's college education. Yikes.

Another installment in the Chronicles of the Empty Nest. :-)

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few little notes to blog friends:

Ed at Enriched Geranium: I've decided to wait until Friday to post about his band The Motor Primitives. I'm going to combine the post with The Friday Evening Nudes. Hehehehe. ;-) You'll see.

Jood at Journeys With Jood: I haven't forgotten about the cool awards you've so generously given me and that I will post about that in the next day or two.

Beth at Cup of Coffey: Ditto an your meme.

.

Here are a few photos I took today

~~~~~~~~


Corn Stalks at One End of The Green River Bridge


The Green River Timber Bin Dam


Corn Stalks Green River, Vermont


Corn Stalk Silhouette



A Sign Along The Way


You shall know the truth
And the truth shall
Make you odd.

Flannery O'Connor

Have a great week, everyone!
Peace
Wellness
Love

What's Goin' On

Monday afternoon: in the dentist chair for an hour having two fillings done - Drill, Baby, Drill. Ugh.

But there was a pleasant surprise later that evening: my daughter, Supergirl Two, age 19, and I had an IM chat where she thanked her dad and me for raising her with enough freedom to allow us to find ourselves but always managing to keep us safe. Blew me away.

One traumatic, life-changing event we were unable to prevent and I still find fault with myself as a parent over it: my older daughter, Supergirl One, was raped when she was sixteen, while on a date with a boyfriend. This triggered the bipolar disorder which, while far from dormant, perhaps would not have erupted with a vigor that landed her in a succession of psychiatric wards over the course of two years.

Despite all of that, I was able to breathe a giant sigh of relief in hearing from my daughter that she was okay with the way we'd raised her.

Tuesday morning: caught my hand in the ancient garage door that must have been designed long ago by the Marqi de Sade. Excruciating pain. Ice. Off to work. Very glum all day with the pain and not too happy regarding some of the things I had to deal with at work.

This morning was a real roller-coaster of emotions for me which, of course, I had to keep under wraps all morning until the kiddos went home; which today was early. Thanks for small miracles.
The afternoon went much better. I am currently engaged in a strong attempt to get to know and understand a co-worker who has posed tremendous challenges for me for two years. When we talked this afternoon, I felt a wall had come down between us and it felt quite good - to both of us, I think. There are other barriers to try to overcome but I'm encouraged.

Like a lot of us out there, I've hit an all-time low over what's happening with the campaign. I've been alternately angry and depressed and today, while listening to John McCain on the radio, I engaged in a loud, angry outburst in my car, which didn't help the headache I've been fighting off all week. What the fuck are we going to do?

I'm sure you've figured out the upshot: I've had a really crappy week so far. But this evening, I felt turned around a bit. How I can tell is that I have begun to smile over that compliment from my daughter, instead of continuing to blame myself for not keeping them safe enough. And I now have an incentive to proceed with my goal of trying to reconcile my differences with my co-worker in a way that is comfortable for both of us.

Hope. Sometimes it takes me days to find it. At one time it took me years.

What's Goin' On

I really miss reading all of your blogs consistently, as I've more or less been able to do for months now. But it's been busy.

As you know, the wonderful trip to NYC, from which we returned Friday night, exhausted. And yesterday, we helped W.P.'s daughter throw an engagement party. Everything went great. I was in rare form, as I usually eschew shindigs, and had a great time. It was great that a family that has been dear to both W.P.'s and my family for years, were able to make it. There were many new people to meet and I was able to overcome my shyness and ask if I could take their photos. I've discovered that having a camera helps to break the ice.

Yes, I'm shy but I do a pretty good job of faking it. In yesterday's case, I wasn't faking. A testament, I believe, to how much a part of my "new" family I'm feeling. I have so much. Knowing this is a real help when I start to bitch and moan about this or the other insignificant thing. My family, a few but very loving friends, good health and though we're not exactly prospering, enough to live comfortably, have fun and not feel like over-consumptive American gluttons.

This coming week, both W.P. and I have a lot of loose ends to tie up before we pack it up and take off to Nova Scotia for a couple of weeks. To this vacation, we are immensely looking forward. When W.P.'s wife A was alive, they took many family vacations there and he has been looking forward to taking me there. W.P. always knows the best, out-of-the-way spots and things to do and he's a wonderful travel companion. We're hoping (optimistically) to leave Thursday but I think it will probably be more like Friday.

I hope to be able to read as many blogs as time allows before I leave. I haven't decided yet if I want to take a computer. I'm inclined not to at this point.

Meanwhile, make love not war and all that good stuff.

Telling VoVo - Part One

After long deliberation, Supergirl One and I decided that it would be best if I broke the news to my mother, her VoVo (Portuguese for Grammy) that she is gay. We felt that this way, if my mother wanted to air any feelings or concerns she could do so without SG1 being present. We decided that the engagement would be something that would be tackled by SG1 herself after her summer session finals. As it turned out, this was a wise decision.

The conversation between my mother and me took place on Wednesday. We were sitting outside together looking at the river, when my mother asked me for the umpteenth time why SG2 didn't have a boyfriend .To the question I'd previously simply shrugged my shoulders in response to, I simply stated - she doesn't like boys. She likes girls. My mother's surprised reply was a breathless oh, my, I never would have guessed! We went into it a little further. She asked if SG1's friend from California was her girlfriend, to which I replied yes and instantly felt tremendous relief that it was finally out in the open. My mother took the news rather well but in typical My Mother fashion, began to construct her own assumptions about was going on. I know from long experience that to deter her from this process is totally pointless: she will believe what she wants to believe. So, for your inquiring minds, what follows are some of my mother's constructs on what being a lesbian is about and what SG1's relationship with her Beloved really means.

I think that SG1 must have had a traumatizing experience with a boy and that's what's made her into a lesbian. She's afraid of men. Either that or it's her bipolar disorder at work. But she seems to be doing so well!

On this, at least, I think I've managed to convince her that it's not related to bipolar disorder, which has been in check for two years now.

A few minutes later, as we stare at the boats on the river:

I'll bet you anything that this is just a phase she's going through. She'll meet a boy and forget all about being a lesbian. (pause) But she used to have boyfriends!

To this I replied that I didn't think it was a phase. That yes she did have a succession of boyfriends in high school but that it was related to experimentation with her sexuality; a sorting out of what she was and was not. This did not appear to make a dent in her conclusion that being a lesbian is a "phase".

I think she and the other girl are probably clinging to each other because they attend a woman's college and they've found affection for one another, which they may be mistaking for a romantic relationship. They probably don't even have sex!

Honestly, I don't mean to sound insensitive toward my mother, but I almost laughed out loud at this one. My poor mother. She is choosing to be in denial. I'm not surprised. She just can't wrap her head around the whole concept of two women being together as anything more than friends or companions.

What do two women do together anyway?

I did chuckle this time and replied - Mother, if you cannot use your imagination on this one, I will not provide visuals for you! To which she chuckled also, though a bit uncomfortably.

We discussed things a bit further and my dear mother concluded that she would not stop loving SG1 no matter what. But she laid down some conditions:

I hope you don't tell your brother about this.

I replied that I thought he perhaps already knew. A sigh from her. The other condition was:

I'll have to tell her not to bring any of this to Mid-Size Village, Portugal. (We have been there many times; there are many family members, friends and acquaintances). They will do nothing but gossip and poke fun at her.

And this was hard to counter because it's true and the reason my mother said it is because she doesn't want to see SG1 hurt by malicious gossip. I replied that would have to be SG1's decision to make and not ours. She looked worried.

I'm glad it's finally out in the open. I'm not surprised by my mother's reconstruction of reality, nor about her assumptions about lesbianism. I think this will continue to pain and trouble her and that is nothing I can change or control. All things considered, it could have gone a lot worse.

Stay tuned for Part Two.

What's Goin' On

As some of you may recall from this post my mother is due for a visit at my house. I'm actually picking her up at my uncle's house, 50 miles southeast from me, where she's been visiting for a couple of days.

If you read the above linked post, you may also recall that sometime during this visit my daughter, Supergirl One, will be breaking the news to her grandmother that she is gay and is planning on being married next Spring. My mother is likely to take the news very hard and we've been more than a bit anxious over it for weeks now. The moment of truth will soon arrive. Sigh. Wish us luck.

I also wanted to tell you that I'm not sure how clever I will be at juggling my mother's visit with blogging. I may do some late-night quickie blogs but I'm unsure how everything will go and how much energy I'll have at the end of each day. I will certainly let you all know how my mother, Maria, takes the news of SG1's marriage plans, as soon as I have some clarity on the whole thing.
Right now, all I feel is a sort of trepidation. There are so many barriers: generational, cultural and even language is an issue, as my mother's English has steadily gone downhill since her move back to Portugal from the U.S. in 1987.

A united front is what the Supergirls and I have decided will be our tact. A united front on the issue with a lot of love, understanding and compassion toward my mother; who will need support as well. I don't know who she will talk to about this to air her own feelings. Knowing her, she will not say a word to any other family members or friends. Naturally, she will want to talk to me. I don't know how I will maintain both support for Supergirl One and support for my mother. If the players were different, it would be one thing but this is my mother, with whom I've struggled on many fronts over the years. The last thing I want to have happen is for me to get defensive and irritated with her. She deserves more from me.

I will keep you posted. I just don't know when...

What's Goin' On

Broken Heart















This is a difficult post to write. It's complicated family stuff; the sort of thing I tend to avoid writing about because of its emotional difficulty. What I have to do in order to get it out is tell the story the best I can.

As some of you know, my 21 year-old daughter, Supergirl One is gay. She's madly in love with a young woman she is in college with and they've been planning to get married. Like a lot of young couples, regardless of sexual orientation, planning this very thing around these ages is not atypical. Since SG1's Beloved is a California resident, they hope to be married next summer, before graduate school, assuming that the decision there is not reversed in November due to the ballot initiative. Though we live in Massachusetts, marriage legality here depends upon establishing residency. There is no such requirement in California.

The difficult part is the family reactions or potential reactions, as everyone in the family does not yet know. My mother, 78, does not know and is likely to take the news hard. SG1 feels that she can't keep her plans secret from people and makes very compelling arguments for it. I support her, of course, but I also fear for her, as she is a sensitive soul when it comes to her heart; and this is all about her heart. I once heard someone say that when your children leave you, it's like watching your heart go out into the world. While I've always celebrated my children's independence, in SG1's case I find myself a total wreck over this.

Yesterday, Saturday, SG1 and I drove to my brother's home in Eastern Massachusetts for a family gathering. The players in this gathering are my brother and his wife, in their 50's, their grown daughter, their grown son and his wife and their two babies, my maternal uncle and his daughter, my brother's in-laws and of course, SG1 and I - the sort of black sheep in the sense of how starkly unmainstream we are in our thinking, compared to the rest of the bunch. Don't get me wrong, everyone was having a fine time, the babies are adorable and the center of attention, the food is good and many of these folks are highly intelligent conversationalists.

At one point after dinner, there were two tables of relatives chatting it up in different rooms. At the kitchen table, I ended up sitting with my sister-in-law, my adult niece, my nephew's wife and SG1. I don't know how the conversation fell on SG1 but it came out that she was in a serious relationship and engaged. Everyone was very understanding but the concern about telling my mother seemed paramount on everyone's minds, including mine. Add to the sidebar that I believe (I'm working on this) that my daughter is too young to get married, regardless of who it is she is marrying.

So, everyone around our table begins to ask SG1 questions in an attempt to explore various options that she might take in regard to breaking the news to my mother; of which one option is to not tell her at all. SG1 was clearly in the hot seat. I was overwhelmed. The others were concerned. I failed to do what SG1 was relying on me most for: a united front. Firstly, I could barely get a word in. Secondly, when I did open my mouth, I just blurted out that she and her Beloved are perhaps too young to be contemplating marriage so soon. Although SG1 knows this opinion already, she also knows that I will support her no matter what. I failed, however, to have an opportunity to say this. By the time SG1 had finished attempting to address the various options her relatives were proposing for how to (or not) tell her grandmother, she had had it and requested privately that we go home. I was more than glad to oblige and we left.

On the drive all hell broke loose. SG1 was hurt and despondent over the whole thing and terribly angry and disappointed in me for not having taken her side more. As I said, I too was overwhelmed throughout this family discussion and it would have been well with me if we had not touched on it at all. I could not get in a word without rudely interrupting and becoming defensive on my daughter's behalf. My brother and his family and I are not terribly close, and it's a chore for me to even get enthused about a visit, though I do end up usually having a good time when I do, regardless. In this discussion, I felt perhaps just as awkward as SG1, though not nearly as hurt, since I think for some reason I went into brain freeze mode and simply couldn't think straight. If I were to pick up this conversation again with my sister-in-law only, for example, I can just hear her saying, with good intentions, "I feel for you, Gina." I would hate, hate, hate to have to hear that! I'm not a stranger to being in a difficult spot with my daughter but her being in love and truly happy is not a difficult spot for anyone but them.

Backing up a bit to the drive home with SG1, she cried bitterly and expressed her utter and complete hurt that I didn't defend her. I could barely drive. I desperately tried to explain my position, including that I had only one opportunity to speak and how sorry I was that what came out was indeed not supportive. I had waited for a chance to finally say my piece but I never had that chance, I explained, before SG1 declared that she wanted to leave. The whole thing, I explained, felt like a bad dream. It was painful and SG1 looked small and frail and vulnerable and if I could have run out of the room with her, I would have. But I couldn't. We managed to hold our heads high enough, I guess, as we left. And in the car we both fell apart.

We did work it through but I wonder at what cost to my daughter and perhaps, I fear, to our relationship. I failed her. I let her down. I betrayed her. And all, perhaps, because of my own misgivings and my cowardice at not wanting to alienate my very small, extended family, with whom I am not even close with precisely because I can't be myself with them. I froze and was unable to step up to the plate.

I haven't questioned seriously who I am and what I stand for in the face of what my family thinks, in a long time. I thought I had long ago accepted the fact that my family and I are different from my brother and his. That although I love my family, even my aunts and uncles and my cousins; that their value systems and lifestyles are not what I have chosen for myself. And then something like this happens and I am asking myself, like a child: why do I have to be different? Why is it me who has to have the child with the unpopular, misunderstood and even despised situation? Why can't things ever be in neat little rows for me like they are for my brother? Why is my emotional life so damned fucking hard all the time? Why can't anyone just be happy that we are good people and appreciate us as such? Why do I have to care what they think? And how is it that their version of reality has to be one that everyone gets in line for? Fuck. Why can't my daughter's engagement be celebrated? No one even said congratulations to her at that fucking table!

It's no wonder that I have difficulty writing and discussing truly difficult personal matters. It's easier to let the confusion swirl around in my head: thoughts, snippets of conversation, "tapes" that have played in the back of my head for years: negative, painful, self-doubting but not properly articulated.

And yet I have to publish this. I need your feedback, your opinions, your advise, even. And though painful, I think I'm clearer now, having sorted through what happened. I still feel lousy but at least now I have a bit more understanding of how I came to take so many steps back when I thought I was moving forward.