Wednesday, September 17, 2008

What's Goin' On

Monday afternoon: in the dentist chair for an hour having two fillings done - Drill, Baby, Drill. Ugh.

But there was a pleasant surprise later that evening: my daughter, Supergirl Two, age 19, and I had an IM chat where she thanked her dad and me for raising her with enough freedom to allow us to find ourselves but always managing to keep us safe. Blew me away.

One traumatic, life-changing event we were unable to prevent and I still find fault with myself as a parent over it: my older daughter, Supergirl One, was raped when she was sixteen, while on a date with a boyfriend. This triggered the bipolar disorder which, while far from dormant, perhaps would not have erupted with a vigor that landed her in a succession of psychiatric wards over the course of two years.

Despite all of that, I was able to breathe a giant sigh of relief in hearing from my daughter that she was okay with the way we'd raised her.

Tuesday morning: caught my hand in the ancient garage door that must have been designed long ago by the Marqi de Sade. Excruciating pain. Ice. Off to work. Very glum all day with the pain and not too happy regarding some of the things I had to deal with at work.

This morning was a real roller-coaster of emotions for me which, of course, I had to keep under wraps all morning until the kiddos went home; which today was early. Thanks for small miracles.
The afternoon went much better. I am currently engaged in a strong attempt to get to know and understand a co-worker who has posed tremendous challenges for me for two years. When we talked this afternoon, I felt a wall had come down between us and it felt quite good - to both of us, I think. There are other barriers to try to overcome but I'm encouraged.

Like a lot of us out there, I've hit an all-time low over what's happening with the campaign. I've been alternately angry and depressed and today, while listening to John McCain on the radio, I engaged in a loud, angry outburst in my car, which didn't help the headache I've been fighting off all week. What the fuck are we going to do?

I'm sure you've figured out the upshot: I've had a really crappy week so far. But this evening, I felt turned around a bit. How I can tell is that I have begun to smile over that compliment from my daughter, instead of continuing to blame myself for not keeping them safe enough. And I now have an incentive to proceed with my goal of trying to reconcile my differences with my co-worker in a way that is comfortable for both of us.

Hope. Sometimes it takes me days to find it. At one time it took me years.


  1. I can so relate to this post. Keep your chin up dear.

  2. Well I am so glad to see you posting... thanks for the update on so many things.

    You have a lot going on. I love what happened with your daughter and I also like that you had that experience with a co-worker.

    Peace my sister, peace.

  3. life's journey takes us on strange twists and turns sometimes- but there are those days when life is just a stroll down the flat with beautiful scenery on either side. enjoy it! hold it in your heart to pull out on a day when it's a bit more uphill :)

  4. Pagan, I read your post and went up and down with you as you had good news and bad news, like a roller coaster. It's amazing how life can in just a few hours injure you with bear-trap garage doors and take your breath away with comments from children - comments that took their whole life so far to hatch. The emotional chart surely ain't a flatline. I guess that shows how alive we are.

    May your hope grow, and may the garage door leave you alone.

  5. Ultimately we can't do anything about politics or finances but only keep ourselves in order. Looks like you're doing fine.

  6. Hope you're well, now.
    Thanks for the update

  7. I can imagine that the very best thing a parent can hear is that a child appreciates the way they were raised. Bravo!

  8. As a parent of a child who died in infancy, I empathize with what I imagine you must feel about the rape of your daughter. Even if there was nothing you could or should have done differently, as parents, we feel it is our job to keep bad things from happening to our children, and when bad things do happen, it's hard, no matter what. How wonderful it is that SG2 told you that, though! Virtual hugs to you and both your daughters.

  9. "Hope, Life, Love, Moving Forward" - They are in your labels for this post. Hang on to them.

  10. it hurts, being a mother can hurt more than anything i've ever been thru but it can also be special beyond words.

    your children love you and they are doing really fine now.

    there is no such thing as safe.

    i've tried my whole life for that because i've never felt safe.

    love i think, would be even better in the long run than safe.

  11. My humble thanks to you all for your encouragement, support, virtual hugs and for just being there.

    Peace and love,

  12. Steve: I love the part of your comment where you say "compliments that took their whole life to hatch." So, so true.

  13. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this to you or C.R., but I hope to have the kind of adult relationship with my kids that you both have with yours. It's something to aspire to.

  14. Hang in there....

    If we don't get the black hole to end it all in a blink from the large hadron collider, we'll need you hale and hearty for the revolution.

    This means, of course, no more closing your hand in the garage door.

  15. Sherry: I've heard it said that being a parent is like having your heart leap out of your chest to go out on its own. It really does feel that way sometimes. I do believe strongly that there was a measure of safety that I was able to control for my children. But you can't control it all - especially as grow out into that big, bad world.

    DCup: Thank you, luv. I think you and Mathman are well on your way to great relationships with your children when they become adults. It's a very special time for me right now as a parent.

    99: hehehe. You so have a way with words. Thanks for the big smile. Sorry I haven't been by your blog. Time constraints and...evil garage doors... ;-)

  16. You have made me and I'm sure many feel the freedom to open up and express things that have happened in our own life. Thank you for your openess so much.

    A real friend is there when we need them in the good times and bad! I think that your children definitely know that! They are extremely lucky to have a wonderful mom like you!!!

    Hang in there, it sounds like a very productive week despite the "stress" of so many different things going on at once!

    Remember, there's always light at the end of the tunnel and it takes both rain and sunshine to make a rainbow. Another of my favorites is if your having a bad day, it's never to late to start your day over again!

    Peace, my friend...

  17. Hi, Kelly

    What a nice comment. Thanks. It's actually often hard for me to open up, so I appreciate your comment than ever due to that. I used to actually be much more open; perhaps too much so. There were several times in my past where I was too open and too trusting, which a couple of individuals saw as a weakness to exploit. Feeling bitter didn't help, but taking steps to be more discreet has worked. Makes life easier to manage.


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