Wednesday, February 25, 2009

What's Goin' On: Another Update

Thank you again and again for your good wishes.

Changes at work with a new hire and with that, a bit of adjustment and stress. Just a touch. I'm trying hard not to let it get out of hand. Suffice it to say about work: I'm at times amazed by the things that people will say about each other. Completely subjective, arrogant, bigoted and otherwise insensitive. Ugh.

I'm also fighting hard not to become a total recluse. Blogging is good for me in the sense that I maintain contact with people, albeit not face-to-face, but at least it's a form of socialization and community. Even blogging lately has felt like a chore. I don't know if it's because I've taken on too many blogging "responsibilities", if you will. Or if it has something to do with having been sick. Or even if this lack of motivation is perhaps a life-cycle thing? Does it have to do with peri-menopause? I'm changing, I know that. None of if is freaking me out much so far. In fact, all I long for is a sort of peaceful bliss all the time. But meanwhile, I feel guilty because I'm not accomplishing enough, either in the real world or in blogging.

I face a graduate program stint in the not so distant future and I'm flaked out about it simply because I don't want to be a student. Actually, I'd love to be a student. An art history student, for example. Instead I will be enduring a year's worth of crap, most of which I already know because the state feels I need this credential. And perhaps I do but it would be nice if there was an easier, sort of more home-grown, local way to go about it. Oh and did I mention affordable? Oh, there's such a shortage of special education teachers! Oh, yeah? Then why the hell is there no financial help available to obtain the credential? It's going to cost $10,000 for me to obtain this credential. Another non-incentive.

I need the credential because it will mean a fair salary increase and perhaps even, going to another school where the classroom environment isn't so ambiguous. It's hard to explain without going into great detail, which I don't want to do publicly. Suffice it to say that the communication aspect of my classroom environment is a struggle for me. With the other adults, I mean. The children are the joy of it and the least of my concerns.

To recap: I'm seriously lacking motivation for anything yet I am not depressed. I feel at peace inside, for the most part and finding it remarkably easy to love and care for others. My weaknesses are still a lack of patience with people who convolute things too much. And a lack of patience with those who don't open up to whatever extent is necessary to work together more harmoniously. And I can be a pain in the ass sometimes, too. I interrupt when I need clarification on something, which bugs people sometimes but if I don't clarify, then by the time they're finished, I will have forgotten to ask; this being especially true when I'm dealing with a very long-winded person. Right? I really just want to get the whole story. And I can be very straightforward with people if I need to cut right to the chase, which takes some people aback. I choose my battles but when I have to fight one, I'm pretty assertive. And I can be contrary during this process. It is precisely because of this tendency, that I have learned (the hard way sometimes) to choose my battles.

A little bit more about me that you may not have expected to read. I hope it's okay...

Love and thanks,
Pagan Sphinx

This was the other Frida Khalo that is at the MoMA. It's not a good photo and so better off reduced in size as posted.


  1. Of course it's OK. And hopefully even cathartic for you. The lack of funds for those heading for a world where they will help others is a sad state, isn't it? Could some of Mr. Obama's plans re education possible have something in the works? Not in time for you, no doubt.

    I see that spellcheck has not yet decided that Mr. Obama is acceptable. Let's hope that his speech last night made him even more acceptable to some doubters.

  2. Part of the way you do your blogs would drive me crazy. Assigning certain kinds of posts to certain days of the week would make me feel way too obligated.

    A lot of people would find it motivating, especially if they have trouble figuring out what to write about. I have the opposite problem. There's always way more stuff out there than I can blog about.

    I don't know if this even slightly applies to you, but if you find it helpful, cool.

  3. Bobbie: Yes, I always notice that about the spell check. And thanks. I guess it's more an attempt at being honest, than anything else. Not really cathartic so much as revealing something other than an art post.

    Libhom: I don't really struggle with what I want to post about. I have lots and lots of ideas. I'm just currently lacking both the motivation and the time to adequately put together the posts I want to put together. So I'm putting expectations on it.

  4. I ditto everything Bobbie said! That's one of the great things about blogging, you can put it all out there and there are people who care and understand. I just think we're all so fortunate to have discovered so many wonderful, understanding and caring friends, who are there to listen to us, share with us.

  5. me too. my thing is i want adults to act like adults and just grow the fuck up. seriously. life isn't a competition and if you need to ask a question or communicate appropriately- just do it. why is it so hard? when you are at work- act professionally and do the best job you can- or do something else until you will. my sister is in a work environment that sounds similar. lord knows i have lived through a few.

    i haven't been blogging as much because i haven't really had much to say or any desire to say what i should say i guess :) i just don't feel like sitting at the computer and blogging these days. but i do need some interactions. my fear is that i will become a weird cat lady recluse. i am halfway there :)

  6. You have a pretty full plate. From my experience, I can tell you that pared back blogging is better than no blogging at all.

  7. I feel so much better now about my own recluse like tendencies. There are days when even blogging seems too much of a connection. It's not that I don't want to connect, and I'm not depressed either - I feel a bit like my outside shell is a bit softer than normal and I need to buffer it - if that makes any sense at all.

    I would love to go back to school - I have looked into so many programs for financing but nothing applies to me. But you're doing something for required credentials - there really should be help for that.

    what the hell I am saying!! I really should have never lost my health insurance.

    my niece - whenever she was upset about something that should have been would mumble "shitty should" - she was about 6 or 7 when she did this and all these years later it still makes me smile.

  8. I guess I know the feeling, though it's impossible to know that for sure.

    On the blogging front, I can tell you that scheduling posts in advance when you have the time and the motivation to put them together is a way to keep things going without being too intrusive on your day-to-day. Lord knows I couldn't post as much as I do if I didn't manage it that way. Not nearly.

    It always disturbs me when someone decides I need to do something but then provides no reasonable way to do it. Or worse yet, mandates something I must do and then builds an entire infrastructure that works at cross purposes to that mandate. Seems like a sadistic game to me sometimes, I swear.

    At those times, I just breathe, load the dog and the camera in the truck and go find some photos to make.

  9. Yes - of course it's OK. It's like I just wrote over at "That's Why." Getting pieces of the puzzle now and then and filling them in to make my Gina picture.

    Hoops. Wouldn't life be better without them? It seems silly, as if life were a croquet game.

  10. thanks, nice reading u, as always!

  11. sure it's o.k. and i understand a lot of what you are feeling right now and you are out in the world everyday so i wouldn't worry too much about becoming a recluse.

    i did, for years. it became progressively worse to the point where i felt uncomfortable going or doing anything other than grocery shopping or seeing my family. it sneaks up. it creeps up easy.

    i'm begining to feel that way again so i try to make sure that i go out at least on the weekends because, truly i could just stay in and around my home given half a chance.

  12. Sylvia: Agreeed! Add to the list intelligent, articulate and creative and it does make for a great group of people.

    Betmo: exactly my sentiments. I think insecurity and fragile egos have a lot to do with my situation at work. Immaturity is certainly a factor among one of my co-workers. It's maddening at times, yet for the benefit of the children, I work really hard at maintaining an even-keel.

    And about becoming a "weirdo cat lady" - all I have to say is: I wish I had me some cats! I wouldn't mind becoming a weirdo cat lady! ;-)

    Di: the masters credential is not exactly required. It's just what makes sense to advance at this time, when those are the only jobs available. In other words, I'm stuck in the school where I work and I'd like to get out. Still, there is help in other school districts for it, just not in mine. "Shitty should"! hehhehe

    And yes, I too have reclusive tendencies. There's something about my personality that makes it hard for me to socialize on a superficial level. I like to be intimate with people but I choose those relationships very carefully. So they do come along, I just take my time getting to know someone. And my dearest friend moved down south about ten years ago, which is a gap I've not been able to fill.

    Mojo: it is sort of sadistic seeming, isn't it? But your method of dealing with it is healthy and sane. I find myself really fed up with winter and not wanting to pack up and drive somewhere to take pictures. But this too shall pass...

    Thank so much for your comment here and on the photo blog. Always appreciated.

    Lisa: I don't think I could just leave the blog and never return. It's too much of a labor of love to me. But there will be times when I can't devote the time to it that I want or like right now when I'm just lacking motivation.

    Steve: although there are more hoops than I care to see at times, it's actually what makes life interesting, isn't it?

    Ben: thanks for coming by. I've been enjoying the mailings. Keep them coming!

  13. Sherry: I am out and about in the world. I guess what I mean by recluse is that I tend to want to do that alone or with one other person at a time. Although, if I didn't have to work, I could easily see myself staying home a lot. WP is pretty much the same way. Though we do like to travel. I worry sometimes of what I'll do if anything happens to him...

  14. Goodness! Has it been a few days since I've been by to visit? That's because the only way I've ever been able to blog is now and then - maybe twice a week. It's good to know there are sweet and patient people willing to listen and share points of view. Working life can be very intense and co-workers often take out their worst behavior on one another. It's not just your school.

    I'm sorry to hear you're being forced into such an expensive program of study that doesn't really interest you. Once we're grown and educated we should be able to study what we like.

    Things will improve and in the meanwhile go easy on yourself.

  15. Thank you, dear Susan. Your warmth and beauty follow you everywhere you go. ((hug))

  16. I also get into these funks where I am either lazy or just disinterested in doing jobs I normally look forward to. I left my blog and then restarted, realizing I did miss it and I also thought about the friends I have made contact with. I do know that I won't blog as much because I don't have something new to say day in and day out.

  17. Minne: Day in and day out is right. My life is uneventful enough that unless I take a trip or something, there's really nothing to write about concerning my day to to day life. It goes by fast for me, but for others to read about it might be too much like watching paint dry. :-D

    I'm glad you're blogging a little once in a while, though. I have felt a loss once with a bloggy friend who just up and quit blogging not to be heard from since. I mean, he's not obligated to, of course, but that doesn't mean you don't notice that someone just dissolved into the ether.

    Thanks for coming by. I'll try to visit you soon.


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