Not Much

Sorry, friends. I've been experiencing a lot of stress lately and I have very little to offer. Nothing to worry about...just workplace depression.  Entirely situational, though it does follow me wherever I go -  therein lies the problem.  :-)

Here is a song I like. That's all I have, for as long as it takes to ride this out.

What's Goin' On (Long Post With Good Pictures)

Hello, all

One of my classes is over - the grueling one. The other continues into January but with only that one to concentrate on, I think I will have more time for other things such as spending extra time with my family for the holidays, interests and blogging. Family stuff will predominate a couple of weeks into December. My mother is currently in the states with my brother and his family and will join us at our home mid-December and through Christmas. Challenges abound but nothing I can't handle if I make it a priority. I wish I could have been that rational about it last week. Everything caught up with me after weeks of being sick and overwhelmed.

Last week was quite a ride, as things escalate into the holidays at my dysfunctional place of employment. I wrote a post about it but the snark level left a bitter taste in my mouth and I decided not to press the publish button. Too bad my soul can't handle snark. It's always my best writing! ;-)

Whenever I have a moment, I sit down at the ancient laptop and look further into artists from the file labeled look into. I have amassed so many images that the external hard-drive is already full and I'm looking into what to do for extra space. One of my main art preoccupations right now is learning about women artists and their lives. But when I do searches, I invariably find a whole bunch of other interesting art tidbits and I feel like a kid in a candy shop!

My knowledge of artists and art history is growing by leaps and bounds. It's been a long time since I felt this stimulated by any one interest and it makes me feel great.

With so many gorgeous and interesting images in my files, I felt I needed an online space to keep track of my favorites; a place I can revisit to find how I've categorized each image. I created a daily art diary called Give Us This Day (Our Daily Painting). This blog's header has something in common with The Pagan Sphinx header in that both display images of oil paintings hung in the same museum:  The Sterling and Francine Clark Art Institute in Williamstown, Massachusetts. Nymphs and Satyrs by William Bougeareau and Young Christian Girl by Paul Gaugin. Two very different styles by two very different painters but both with personal meaning for me, since I've seen them both so many times, up-close and personal, and always surrounded by people I love. Well. Except once when I was dating after my separation from my ex- husband - ironically that was my worse date, ever. :-D  I will spare you. Suffice it to say that the man intensely disliked and openly criticized every piece of art his gaze fell upon. It was not clear whether he fancied himself an educated critic or if he just didn't like art. Any way ya look at it - Mr. Wrong. Besides, I don't like pony-bead necklaces on men!  :-D  Listen, I really did spare you the details, okay?  ;-)

Give Us This Day

If you click on the Paul Gaugin image, it will take you to my daily art diary. I don't have time to write any personal thoughts on the paintings or vignettes to accompany each, but there are some really beautiful paintings posted there already, with basic information such as one would get on a visit to a real museum. You don't have to comment, though you can. But Blogger does this thing to me that really buggers up my blogging:  I am frequently unable to leave comments with my google ID. In  the case of Give Us, I am unable to leave comments on my own blog. So. My friend Linda of Vulture Peak Muse has left some lovely comments and it makes me happy that she enjoys visiting. 83% Happy. That's one of my post tags. I should tell you the entire meaning behind that in a post one day, though I think a couple of people have caught on to that already! Sorry about my esoteric qualities. I'm basically a shy, private person and I am continuously frustrated by my inability to write a personal story well. I can to satisfy myself. I guess that will have to do!     :-)

I took a path there. And I am now about to return to an earlier thread in this post. Classes. I'm having a time of it getting used to being an older student. What seems to be bugging me the most is the way that three out of three instructors I've had thus far fail to understand at times that they are teaching adults. My classes primarily consit of post-bachloriate students or masters level students seeking alternate teaching licenses. My first instructor looked at me with a sad face once and said in almost a whisper:  "you're giving me a headache". Okay, lady.  The other one verbally chewed the head off of a student who was feeling a tad frustrated - with him and for good reason. I may just finish off my current course and use the ones I've completed as padding for my resume and to indicate that I've upgraded my teaching skills. And. Call It a Day. This idea calms me. Sigh. Since I discovered the benefits of staying calm and peaceful, I tend to eschew all the rattle. Except, of course as it applies to Shake Rattle and Roll. I still love my rock music and at times, I like it really loud. And beautifully written and interpreted folk songs. These are among the things that keep me going.

The state of the world? I'm tuning out. A loud rattle. It makes my head hurt. I have no emotional or mental space for it at the time being. My neighbors in Maine voted against marriage equality. I'll just drive through on my way to Nova Scotia, thank you. A gourmet picnic lunch or two is being planned already for next summer, so we don't have to spend money in Maine. See, I still care. It's just that I have to be selective.  ;-)

My daughter (SG1) and daughter-in-law  (The Beloved) on their wedding day, outside of San Francisco City Hall. They celebrated their one year anniversary on October 28, 2009. 

Look soon for an Artist of the Week post on the work of French artist and painter's model, Suzanne Valadon. 

Suzanne Valadon

Another gem of an artist I've discovered is Canadian Emily Carr.  As always click on images to enjoy extra voluptuousness.

I apologize for the lack of rhyme or reason to the posts. The feature Artist of the Week is more like "artist of the month" and I've let some of the others go by the wayside as well. I saw some beautiful paintings of animals on a recent museum visit and wanted to share some for the Art Animalia posts. There is just not enough time to amuse myself! 

 It's a photo I took of a painting at the museum of British Art at Yale University. I think the artist is Stubbs - sounds like a proper English name to me!


And because I don't post  my photographs on The Pagan Sphinx nearly enough, here is one I took earlier this Fall on a day trip to Vermont.

See you 'round the blogosphere.
Love,
Pagan Sphinx

What's Goin' On: Another Update

Thank you again and again for your good wishes.

Changes at work with a new hire and with that, a bit of adjustment and stress. Just a touch. I'm trying hard not to let it get out of hand. Suffice it to say about work: I'm at times amazed by the things that people will say about each other. Completely subjective, arrogant, bigoted and otherwise insensitive. Ugh.

I'm also fighting hard not to become a total recluse. Blogging is good for me in the sense that I maintain contact with people, albeit not face-to-face, but at least it's a form of socialization and community. Even blogging lately has felt like a chore. I don't know if it's because I've taken on too many blogging "responsibilities", if you will. Or if it has something to do with having been sick. Or even if this lack of motivation is perhaps a life-cycle thing? Does it have to do with peri-menopause? I'm changing, I know that. None of if is freaking me out much so far. In fact, all I long for is a sort of peaceful bliss all the time. But meanwhile, I feel guilty because I'm not accomplishing enough, either in the real world or in blogging.

I face a graduate program stint in the not so distant future and I'm flaked out about it simply because I don't want to be a student. Actually, I'd love to be a student. An art history student, for example. Instead I will be enduring a year's worth of crap, most of which I already know because the state feels I need this credential. And perhaps I do but it would be nice if there was an easier, sort of more home-grown, local way to go about it. Oh and did I mention affordable? Oh, there's such a shortage of special education teachers! Oh, yeah? Then why the hell is there no financial help available to obtain the credential? It's going to cost $10,000 for me to obtain this credential. Another non-incentive.

I need the credential because it will mean a fair salary increase and perhaps even, going to another school where the classroom environment isn't so ambiguous. It's hard to explain without going into great detail, which I don't want to do publicly. Suffice it to say that the communication aspect of my classroom environment is a struggle for me. With the other adults, I mean. The children are the joy of it and the least of my concerns.

To recap: I'm seriously lacking motivation for anything yet I am not depressed. I feel at peace inside, for the most part and finding it remarkably easy to love and care for others. My weaknesses are still a lack of patience with people who convolute things too much. And a lack of patience with those who don't open up to whatever extent is necessary to work together more harmoniously. And I can be a pain in the ass sometimes, too. I interrupt when I need clarification on something, which bugs people sometimes but if I don't clarify, then by the time they're finished, I will have forgotten to ask; this being especially true when I'm dealing with a very long-winded person. Right? I really just want to get the whole story. And I can be very straightforward with people if I need to cut right to the chase, which takes some people aback. I choose my battles but when I have to fight one, I'm pretty assertive. And I can be contrary during this process. It is precisely because of this tendency, that I have learned (the hard way sometimes) to choose my battles.

A little bit more about me that you may not have expected to read. I hope it's okay...

Love and thanks,
Pagan Sphinx


This was the other Frida Khalo that is at the MoMA. It's not a good photo and so better off reduced in size as posted.

Words

As I was reading aloud the story Millions of Cats earlier today to one of my young students, we came upon a passage in the picture book with the word "homeley" in the text. The child asked me what that word meant. When I explained that it meant the same as the word "ugly", nothing in his facial expression appeared to register the meaning of the word. So I asked him if he knew what ugly meant. He said no. I didn't define it but continued to read aloud to him.

How wonderful, huh, to not know what that means?

Camera Critters # 25

click on badge to go to the site

We completed our Monarch life cycle science unit with the kids today. Here are the caterpillars on their milkweed leaves. These were found by teachers on our team and brought into school.

It was difficult to get a good photo of the chrysalises because of the way they suspend themselves from the cover on the fish tank. They're a beautiful green, with little dots that look like gold trimming the top.

The monarch sheds its now thin chrysalis and begins to prepare for its life as a butterfly.

Several small fingers invite the monarch to sit a while.

Time to lay this beauty gently on the butterfly bush to stretch its wings and begin to prepare for flight.

Please check out the many fine entries at the Camera Critters site.
And a huge thanks to our hosts there!

What's Goin' On

Monday afternoon: in the dentist chair for an hour having two fillings done - Drill, Baby, Drill. Ugh.

But there was a pleasant surprise later that evening: my daughter, Supergirl Two, age 19, and I had an IM chat where she thanked her dad and me for raising her with enough freedom to allow us to find ourselves but always managing to keep us safe. Blew me away.

One traumatic, life-changing event we were unable to prevent and I still find fault with myself as a parent over it: my older daughter, Supergirl One, was raped when she was sixteen, while on a date with a boyfriend. This triggered the bipolar disorder which, while far from dormant, perhaps would not have erupted with a vigor that landed her in a succession of psychiatric wards over the course of two years.

Despite all of that, I was able to breathe a giant sigh of relief in hearing from my daughter that she was okay with the way we'd raised her.

Tuesday morning: caught my hand in the ancient garage door that must have been designed long ago by the Marqi de Sade. Excruciating pain. Ice. Off to work. Very glum all day with the pain and not too happy regarding some of the things I had to deal with at work.

This morning was a real roller-coaster of emotions for me which, of course, I had to keep under wraps all morning until the kiddos went home; which today was early. Thanks for small miracles.
The afternoon went much better. I am currently engaged in a strong attempt to get to know and understand a co-worker who has posed tremendous challenges for me for two years. When we talked this afternoon, I felt a wall had come down between us and it felt quite good - to both of us, I think. There are other barriers to try to overcome but I'm encouraged.

Like a lot of us out there, I've hit an all-time low over what's happening with the campaign. I've been alternately angry and depressed and today, while listening to John McCain on the radio, I engaged in a loud, angry outburst in my car, which didn't help the headache I've been fighting off all week. What the fuck are we going to do?

I'm sure you've figured out the upshot: I've had a really crappy week so far. But this evening, I felt turned around a bit. How I can tell is that I have begun to smile over that compliment from my daughter, instead of continuing to blame myself for not keeping them safe enough. And I now have an incentive to proceed with my goal of trying to reconcile my differences with my co-worker in a way that is comfortable for both of us.

Hope. Sometimes it takes me days to find it. At one time it took me years.

On Anger

I used to have a lot of anger problems. A lot of it had to do with depression, which for me, caused irritability and angry outbursts. I'm not so prone to anger any more but I continue to think about anger and its potential to creep up on me and interfere with my new-found (relative) freedom from it.

I think one reason for the abatement of anger in my life is that I'm in a very good relationship: one where I can be myself and still feel I deserve the love and attention I get, even when I'm far from perfect. Another reason is the maturation process. In terms of feeling peace and acceptance, getting older agrees with me.

Where I continue to struggle is in my reactions to people when they express anger, especially when it seems misplaced and misguided. To me. If I see little reason in the anger and negativity beyond that which I can change; even in myself, I then feel a strong need to eschew that person and cut them out of my life; at least to an extent that is possible. I've done that with a relative; with whom I have to stay somewhat in touch but with whom I no longer engage in bitter struggles with myself over. The other came more recently. I decided that what I'd gained from the relationship was so old and stagnant, that it didn't merit the time and attention I would need to give the person to try to understand their anger and negativity. I've asked myself if this was selfish. And I'm still trying to answer that question.

One of the things I've discovered in attempting to answer that question is that the anger displayed toward me personally by others, which goes beyond what I can do myself to turn it around, just causes me to become angry back. It's all too much a reminder of how angry and defensive I can become in the face of what I consider to be unfounded anger on the part of others. That isn't to say that anger hasn't been directed at me personally in the recent past which has gone ignored. It has and sometimes with just cause. In those cases, where I value and love the person, I'm working on seeing their point of view on what makes them angry at me and I try to change that, if I can. Sometimes it takes several conversations and strong emotions and a lot of work. But it's worth it, for the other person and for me.

But I have to admit that otherwise, I avoid angry, negative, defensive people whenever possible. I wonder if I'm depriving myself of lessons potentially learned or if I'm preserving my energies for those struggles that are really worth it.

We all become angry, frustrated, irritable and defensive at times. Mostly toward the ones we love and care about the most. I understand that and I'm trying to learn from it. Is it selfish of me to avoid those other, peripheral angry people? Or is this protective mechanism a good thing for me.? I have tended to conclude the latter most of the time. But I go back and forth. Avoiding the angry has worked for me. I admit that it's worked for me because I honestly lack the emotional energy to take it on. If it's one thing about depression that has stayed with me and no amount of peace or happiness or medication can take away, it's a limited amount of emotional energy. I don't mean the happy kind, as I'm sure you might guess. I mean the negative, complex, exhausting kind. Again, it's the people I love I try to save this emotional energy for. Even then, sometimes it's difficult to rise to the occasion as well as I'd like to. Sometimes I even fail miserably. I'm working on it.

I'm mostly concerned about how unavoidable, peripheral people affect my attitude toward anger and toward myself. For example, at work. I work with one person on my team who presents a lot of challenges for me. I can't avoid her, so how do I deal, right? She doesn't overtly express anger but instead engages in what some would and have called passive-aggresive actions. I have tried to ignore them, I have tried to talk to her about it (without referring to her as such) and have gotten nowhere. It causes me to worry about my own responses,which are mostly directed inward. I have so little to go on as to why I cause this person to be so angry with me, as she refuses to be forthcoming about anything that I can change. I can only guess and say it's her problem but it doesn't make the situation any easier on a day-to-day basis. It sucks so much energy out of me to deal with her. And deal I must - as in, next week when school starts again.

What role does anger play in the quest for self-awareness and inner peace? What do my reactions to anger say about me? How do I avoid defining my life as a series of emotional struggles? Or should I just accept it as such; both personally and as part of the human condition?

I have more questions than answers, as usual. Though I have far more of a clue than I did years ago in even asking these questions. For that I'm grateful.

Life's Many Little Difficulties

As W.P. takes on the challenge of trying to resuscitate my old laptop and Supergirl Two is upstairs napping, I find myself with a little time to "talk" to you all. The house is quiet; some leftover dishes need to be put in the dishwasher and some bills need to be paid. But that can wait today. I have been good.

I'm using the old Dell laptop which I can use until mine either is repaired or I need to buy a new one. I hope he can recover my images, music and favorites, as I've amassed quite a collection; espsecially since I started the blog.



So. Work. I feel a little silly for asking you to send good wishes and prayers my way about my work situation, as I am not in danger of losing my job nor do I face any real threats there otherwise. I think you should save the energy of prayers (which I do believe in somehow) for those who really need them - people with serious illness and strife in their lives. My situation is more like one of frustration and few options for anything better. You know the old saying: The devil you know is better than the one you don't know.



Of any area of my life, I have the most difficult time writing about work here. I have drafts of at least a half-dozen posts that I started over the last weeks trying to convey to you my work difficulties. I hesitate to get too much into detail about my work and its resulting frustrations because of my paranoia that sometime, somehow, someone from my school or school community will chance upon this blog and discover that I am its author. It's not likely but also not impossible. So, names and even situations will have to be changed around to not only protect the innocent (my students and their families) but also to protect me. The other factor that keeps me from publishing any of the drafts I mention is that I have not been able to write anything that really does justice to the quiet desperation I feel about my work situation and the people with whom I work - my colleagues.

Essentially, I co-teach in what is called a multi-age classroom where children from pre-school through second grade are integrated with their special needs peers, in a public school setting. This particular classroom is unique and has many specialists from the special education department who work closely with my colleagues and me. There are also, of course, special subject teachers (art, etc.) and assorted other support personnel. This is my second school year with this school district. I hate it. If I could find a parallel alternative I would take it in a hearbeat.

I am very much at odds philosophically with certain curriculum requirements, firstly. That this school district lines right up and does the state's bidding has earned it a reputation for "excellence". That may very well be in other schools, I'm not sure, but it certainly is not the case at mine. I see so much shoddy teaching in my own classroom from my co-teachers on a daily basis, it's heartbreaking. It is also maddening. There are some days when I think to myself while driving home from that place that I can't possibly take it another day.

One of my biggest gripes is with the attitude of the specialists on what constitutes a good program for children with autism. Their ideas are not put on the table as guidelines or even suggestions, as I'm accustomed to in other schools, but are handed down almost like mandates. I tried this year, to bring to the table some of my concerns about the younger children with autism. The program does not meet their developmental needs and in essence, they are being asked to get in line, no questions asked, with their older and typical (non-special needs) peers. When I brought up my concerns, they looked at me like I had two heads, everyone went silent and one of the more outspoken of the Prima Donas, put me in my place. They know better and there is no room for compromise. That came across very clearly.

It does not matter that I have 25 plus years of experience in the field and that I've worked in a variety of classrooms where things are done differently and better. For the most part, these folks have been working in this same school district for years and years, some of them all of their careers. Many, I tell you, have never stepped foot outside of the county where they live. I would not hold that against anyone usally, but in this case their miopia is affecting the education and future of many children. Obviously my co-teachers can roll over for all of this without questioning. I've never been a person to simply accept things without questioning, so you can imagine how radical they must think I am.

To make things harder for me, my work (everyone's, really) is not valued and I have nothing even remotely like a support network there. I have, I realize, acquired a reputation for being difficult. And perhaps I have been. However, I have put my concerns and ideas out to others in a calm, professional and thoughtful way. I have no regrets about how I communicated what I had to say. Further, my philosophy on certain matters I've expressed to the team are commonly adhered to in the field of education. It's not like what I'm saying is completely radical. My suggestions have been of a scale that is doable on a daily basis. It's not like I'm some idealistic kid fresh out of college who seeks to upturn the established education system. I believe I'm just a threat to the way things are done in this school district. And now I'm paying. I've never been one of the good ol' gals but I managed to get on okay anyhow and there was always at least one person I could rant to who agreed with me.



I love my job in the sense that I know I am excellent at it and I adore the kids. But I don't know how much longer I can put up with the crap. I have few alternatives. Schools in the area are laying off teachers left and right. Going back to a private school or social service program will mean a pay cut, if I can even find a vacancy, as those other layed off teachers are going to be scrambling for jobs as well.



I keep thinking back to an incident last fall with one of the specialists I work with. As she followed me outside with a group of children, one of them, an autistic boy with a developmental level of about 2 years old ran staight for the sandbox and began to dig with a shovel. She watched him do this and turned to me and said "Sometimes you just have to let them be autistic." My expression must have gone blank as I thought to myself: A young child playing in a sandbox is "being autistic"? That's what all children are supposed to do! To me, this exemplifies the lack of understanding of what all children need and a lack of wisdom in providing them opportunies that help them grow into whole people, regardless of their disability. This lack of understanding and wisdom has me so depressed that getting ready to go work every day is a struggle.



I can't wait for summer.

Orchid

Botanical Gardens,

Montreal

(taken by me

Dear friends,

I will be taking a few days off from blogging to straighten out some issues here at home. A kid issue, a relationship issue and my concerns about my job. Nothing earth-shattering but all areas where my emotional energy, focus and time are needed. It's always good to be proactive and deal with things before they get out of hand. So. That's what I'm needing to do.

Thank you for coming by and leaving your kind comments. I always look forward to hearing from you. See you soon!

Warmest regards,

Pagan