Fourth Blog Birthday, Depression and More

I almost let this fourth birthday of The Pagan Sphinx blog go by without acknowledgement. I don't know where my head is these days! Quite literally, in fact. More on that later.

I just went through and cleaned out some hundreds of spam comments manually, as I don't know of any other way to do it. Those were left on the blog before I began the pre-approval of comments. I've recently dealt with another jag of them. Though this time I screened them out, it was a bit of a bitch and I may begin to have to employ comment verification as well. I hope you will forgive the inconvenience. It's those Friday evening nudes that attract the most attention from the pornographers, so as long as I'm posting those, I can probably be guaranteed at least occasional spam.

While doing this housecleaning, I realized that it was four years ago around this time that I started this blog; during a February recess from school and with trepidation of what I might be getting myself into. The only thing I knew about blogging is that my ex-husband and good friend The Cunning Runt had a blog on which he was publishing not only his wonderful photographs but also some excellent political commentary. I began to read it and thought what a rewarding idea it might be to share my passion for art and a few formative topics with the blogging world.

My first post was nothing. Just a sort of meek shout out and included a photograph of the view of the river from my front yard. The first person to comment was a lady who then went by the name of DCup and has since grown into her own as a very creative and even more popular blogger - Lisa of That's Why and Politits. Thanks, Lisa for that first comment. Without it I would have probably retreated from blogging, immediately calling it unsuccessful.

 For me, sharing anything with a wide audience causes a bit of panic and any excuse not to do so is always a handy reason  not to. That isn't to say I completely eschew getting personal. I sometimes do but for the most part I do it through comments where it is hoped that it'll sneak by without too much attention. Overall, though, I'd say I'm a fairly private person. I think this is because I am an introvert and one of our characteristics is that we love people but...only a select few at one time. :-)

So here I am, still. I have received (I'm not sure if that includes the spam or not) 9,300 comments and I just noticed that my 200th follower just joined (though I'm not always sure if most of them ever come back!) I like those nice, round numbers. I still love blogging, mostly for the people I've met both literally and virtually. My passion and labor of love for The Pagan Sphinx has grown into a more mature relationship. The honeymoon phase lasted a lot longer than I ever expected it to but it has settled into a calmer place. It helps me to view it that way, as it was beginning to feel like the end of a relationship. I'm very grateful and happy that I didn't give up on it so easily.

Perhaps this next topic should be a separate post but since I don't often have the guts to sit down and actually write anything, I think I should continue just in case the temptation to quit because it's hard gets the better of me. It is private and difficult for me to write about this but I have to in spite of myself, as depression needs to be talked about more openly and I am seeing inroads in that direction socially. I want to be a part of that direction. I've not kept my depression a secret but I haven't exactly written about it openly either. Mostly because this blog was never meant to be this personal. I am usually reticent to get into personal issues that people may either shy away from or feel pressure to respond to. Then there are my own feelings of vulnerability when I do share openly about my life to a wide audience.

Since childhood, I have a type of depression that is referred to as dysthymia.  I know first-hand how it runs in families as I grew up with a father who struggled with it. I believe my brother does, though he has never discussed it with me. Luckily, I don't have another (or co-morbid) condition like anxiety and substance abuse and neither do any of the people in my family who have this type of depression. Medications often do not work as well for dysthymia as they do for major depression. It also may take longer after starting medication for you to feel better. I know about this first-hand as well.

What is most difficult about dysthymia is that on top of this already low mood, major depressive disorder can set in and it has with me, on at least two other occasions in my life. Once in the 80's and once in the 90's. I'm afraid that I believe to either be in a particularly bad phase of dysthymic depression or perhaps even on the verge of a major depressive episode. I have never been so bad as to be hospitalized but the problems that a major depressive episode cause me are fairly far reaching - work, relationships, lethargy, boredom, crying jags, loss of sleep and even a drop in appetite.  The later I haven't seen for some time now, being in a phase of less than ideal weight since my mid-40's. But it used to be that I could shed twenty pounds ( 9 or so kg) in a month's time when I was in the throes of depression.Very unhealthy, wouldn't you agree? The only good thing about it  is that I secretly liked being thin and so did, not so secretly, my ex. (CR - if you read this, I don't mean that in a nasty way and it could very well have been my perception more than anything you actually ever said or did to make me feel that way. Please believe that.)

So here I am. I've been avoiding telling my family so as not to worry them. I'm still undecided as to if I should. My brother might serve me my head on a platter for burdening my mother with it, as he believes with absolute faith that she cannot handle it. I don't think I agree with him but just in case he's right, I'm not telling my mother. I usually link these posts to facebook and that's either not happening or will be posted to a selected audience.

I have been avoiding believing I'm really depressed again for over a year now. It's hard to admit once again feeling defeated by this illness. Therapy is a very gut-wrenching, emotionally and psychically exhausting process. But I finally did it. I made an appointment with my former therapist. It took me a long time to find her five years back, so when I called today, I was relieved that she was still in the area and had a slot available for me. The process I went through to find her, if I were to go into detail, would boggle your mind. There are so many unhappy, over-worked, incompetent therapists of various stripes, at least here in the U.S. Some I would even say could be damaging. I went through therapists like one goes through socks. I finally tried weeding them out by credentials and went for what was suggested to me by people I know in the field of mental health - start only with those therapists who have a ph.d in psychology. Some with clinical masters of social work are also very good. Bingo, it took only one other therapist before her, who seemed very capable but I detected a bad fit, before I found Dr. S.  She is a gifted therapist, kind and warm without sacrifice to boundaries and she has a beautiful office in downtown Northampton, Mass. where after a session I can either hole up in my favorite cafe and ruminate on my session or even walk up the road to Smith College's art museum and hang with the art. Perhaps near a Munch.  :-)

The piece of my treatment I am dreading the most is probably needing to see a psychiatrist for a medication re-evaluation, as my doctor won't up my current dose, saying it's already "hefty" enough and I may need to try another medication. Oh, joy.

I have had many dealings with various shrinks, too. My experiences have largely been negative. Here in the states, unless you are wealthy, there is no such thing an a psychiatrist who is also an analyst. Mostly, they prescribe medication; often one on top of another, on top of another. They are alchemists of sorts. I can think of five right off the top of my head (some were my daughter's doctors) who all shared similar characteristics:  cold detachment, indifference and let's hurry up and figure out how to set you right, with what pills and don't you dare come in here and try to be part of your own treatment plan. I'm going in with the mindset that I don't have to tell this person anything about myself other than what I've been diagnosed with and what the symptoms are.

Many things are wrong in life right now - work is not going well and I am having significant relationship issues. No outward drama, which is not my style nor his. But these issues are taking their toll on us both and we need to figure something out. What that will be, I'm not sure yet.  As for work, my concentration is off and it's been noticed. Lots to deal with right now.

Thanks for reading. Okay. I'm hitting the publish button now...

Ruby Tuesday Travels Back in Time

I was inspired by Ralph of Airhead 55 (out of Connecticut), who often posts photos from his childhood and of his own children. Thanks, Ralph!  Here are The Girls going for a walk up a country road.  The one in white is the older sister, but by only sixteen months! This was taken in Spring of '92. They were three and four. Now they are twenty-two and twenty-three.  Yikes.

" We could never have loved the earth so well if we had had no childhood in it. "

~George Eliot, The Mill on the Floss, 1860

What's been going on with all of you? How did February decide to treat you?
Fondly, PS

To see other Ruby Tuesday participants, click here

The Whole World Remind Me of My Dog

 Never mind the cute doggy video, the song is soooooooooo groovy...
 "This whole world reminds me of my dog".  That is my philosophy. Though I no longer have a dog, I think of him still...

An Apology

I want to tell all of you who commented on the post below how sorry I am that I caused you to try to justify your style of commenting. I appreciate how kind you all were in doing so. I wish I could say the same for myself. I know where my buttons were pushed and by whom and that person has only visited this blog once and left a comment. So why I decided to make it an issue by presenting it to all of you, I'm still trying to figure out.

I don't usually have "requirements" for comments. I see after re-reading my post and your comments, just how teachy and preachy and bitchy I came across in it. I am sorry and I hope you will forgive me. Not to make excuses but I've observed from outside of myself a lot of irritability and some intollerence toward others. I'm not sure if a depression is creeping in again or if it's a change-of-life issue or a combination of both. I have so much to make me happy and proud and I am so grateful for so many things. It's as if someone else wrote that post. I feel that way sometimes when I catch myself being impatient with others. "Was that me? Did I really say that?"  I know that no one is perfect, especially me and I am not trying to beat myself up here. I just want you to know that I'm aware of it. Maybe it was good, in some ways, that I wrote that post because re-reading something is often more helpful than trying to recall what it was I said in a interpersonal exchange. In the latter, there is always the tendency to say "Well, it takes two people to cause tension". In the case of the post, it took only one:  me. So maybe some self-awareness came out of it and I can forgive myself and move on and try harder the next time to be patient and accepting. The first step in doing so is to acknowledge the situation and hope that you, my cherised online friends, will forgive me for behaving so poorly.

Please tell me what you think and don't expect for a moment that I'm waiting for anyone to let me off the hook on this one!

P.S. I feel like I led some of  you to think that it's the brevity of a comment that I have a hard time with and that's not really it. It's about one person who simply stated they didn't like it. They are entitled to that opinion and yet it bugged me because I had put so much work into the post. I think it is I who is taking things too personally. Again, I am so sorry.

Love and Peace,
Pagan Sphinx

Shadow Shot Sunday

Hall's Harbour Visitor's Center

Nova Scotia
July, 2010

Scotts Bay

Cape Split, Nova Scotia

An anchor at Hall's Harbour

This above was also taken at Scotts Bay, though obviously on an overcast day.  There a few of these but largely, the weather was beautiful:  sunny, fluffy clouds, hot but not humid, chilly nights.

This was a very sweet vacation and I feel blessed to have spent those two weeks with my WP, who is feeling much better these days. Thanks to those friends who asked.
:-)

Shadow Shot Sunday is hosted by Tracie in Brisbane

I have striven to give The Pagan Sphinx blog a slight touch of the art museum. At least that's what the blog has evolved into. A sort of scrapbook I'm keeping for therapy.  I'm not inclined for some time now to discuss a lot of personal details on the blog. I'm afraid that the more personal aspects of my life have to be dealt in the forum of the actual world; up-close and personal.  :-)

I want my blog to be something I do because I love to do it. The drama of my own life is not something I can readily adopt to the blog page. If you know what I mean. That means for me, keeping it simple. I like my drama in doses of entertainment, but when the shit hits the fan, I have to just confront it. 

I'm sorry if that sounds cryptic. What I want to say, simply, is that I may be absent and/or distant for as long as it take me to sort things through.
 
In my strong attempt to be forthcoming, I invariably end up being cryptic without meaning to. To complicate matters, my computer has been behaving badly. It is long over-due that I buy a new one but it is just not possible with one child still studying at a university and all of its related expenses. 

I have, at this point, given up posting an image to this post, as the computer just keeps getting stuck.

I will see you all once in a while,
Pagan Sphinx

I want to read blogs and not comment for a while. So just know that I am around. Those friends who have my email address, please keep in touch.

Peace,
Pagan Sphinx

What's Goin On

 A photo from Christmas of SG1 and my mother, who visited from Portugal for holidays.

One of the last photos I had an opportunity to take of SG1 at the Mount Holyoke campus, before she graduated last year.

Some time constraints have eased for me and I am able to blog with a frenzy this coming week. If you see a new post, please scroll down for what will probably be others that have been posted in close succession. They're mostly art posts, though I've been finding it fun to engage with my blog pals a bit by asking for requests such as a favorite nude for The Friday Evening Nudes and more recently, asking folks to tell me what famous artist they would want to paint their portrait. For me this is entertaining and lots of fun. I think I've lost some readers who may not really like art all that much but I guess that's the way things go as a blog evolves and eventually knows what it wants to be.

Just a note to my blog pals about what's goin' on in the life of Pagan Sphinx. Not much, really. My class ended two weeks ago and I'm awaiting my grade a bit anxiously, as the class was a ball of confusion due to an unprepared, inadequate and ambiguous instructor. There was one component of my final project that was missing due to how convoluted the last minute revisions the instructor imposed on the final assignment were. I'll try to be gracious about my final grade, if I feel it is fair but if I feel it isn't, I will certainly contest it. I palled up with three other women in the class and all three of us had the same impressions. Including that if you were a woman over 40 in that class, you remained invisible even if you stood on your head on your chair and did the splits. Oh, well.

Otherwise, I work. I come home and talk on the phone with my girls for as long as it takes for them to tell me what's on their minds. Sometimes, it is a long time before I'm done with my phoning. I'm glad they keep in touch so much.

SG1 is busy prepping for the GRE (graduate admissions exam) so that she can begin to narrow down what graduate programs she'd like to enroll in. If she is accepted to one far from Santa Barbara, it will mean a separation for her and her wife. I find it amazing that they're willing to be apart so they can both fulfill their goals. SG1 is way too goal-oriented and very clear about what she wants to accomplish to take a back seat to a partner. They both understand that and wish to help the other. Although, it won't be easy, I see this couple as being very supportive of each other and I don't doubt their ability to make things work. SG1 is interviewing for a summer position as a research assistant for a professor at UC Santa Barbara who is doing some huge study or textbook writing, I'm not sure, on constitutional law, which is one of SG1's areas of expertise. Americorps continuous to drain her with its 12 hour days and endless demands for community activities on weekends. It is a means to an end, as after two years with them, they will give her 10 grand, which will wipe out her own student loans. I wish they would give me some money to pay off my portion of her student loans. All in all, it is not much, considering that it costs around $50,000 per year to send a student through a private U.S. college or university. You either have to be rich or smart. And I'm sure you can imagine which category we fit into.

SG2 is not taking classes this semester at BU. She applied for a paid internship at the Boston Globe and got it. She's not thrilled about working the 5:30 to 1:30 am shift but she says she's learned more in a month of the internship than she has over the course of the five semesters of journalism classes she's taken. I worry about her ability to find work in print media, as newspapers are folding and cutting back jobs like crazy these days.

I am otherwise healthy and fortunate to be 83% Happy. You, my blog pals, are responsible for more than just a few percentage points of that!

This song is for my beloved family and for all of you who care enough to come here often or even every once in a while.

What's Goin' On - It's a Snow Day!

I love snow days. Some of my co-teachers don't like snow days because it means we have days to make up at the end of the school year. I don't mind getting up and going to work in good weather, so a few extra days of school tacked on in June doesn't bother me one bit.

It's really pretty out there but I still have a lot to do to get the house ready for my mother's visit. I'm actually enjoying the domesticity of it all. At this stage in my life, I much prefer the domesticity thing to the student thing.

As some of you know, I've embarked on a journey through "higher education" to try and obtain a masters in education, with emphasis in special education, including a additional teaching license. In Massachusetts, they aren't cutting anyone any slack. And did I mention it's expensive? And why did I not suspect more strongly that the quality of this education would be mediocre? The classes are all at night and and in the summer. I don't mean to be a snob, as I was educated exclusively by public education and I work for the public school system. However, the quality of the instruction for night classes is fairly pathetic. Sigh. So I'm re-thinking if I want to continue pursuing this. I have a job and I'm not sure that the pay-off is worth what I will get back. What it would mean is that I would have more options outside my own school district. Hopefully at a slightly larger school with better resources.

The state of Massachusetts can more than afford to make the requirements stiffer. I don't know what the statistics are, exactly, but there is a very large pool of people wanting to enter the field of education right now including unemployed career-changers. Those who are already teaching, are swarming to update licenses and to obtain additional licenses that make them more flexible to their school districts.

I have a snow day from school to experience. What am I doing talking about school? 

 I haven't been taking many pictures for months now but I do have this one to share from last winter and it looks much like today. This one's from January of this year and there is a lot more snow on the bushes. Today we got 6-8 inches, I'm guessing. I haven't listened to a radio or turned on a TV today. I haven't had lunch yet. There is some Chinese take-out from last night for lunch. And then it's back to domesticville. I like the look of the snow from the cozy house.

Over the weekend I accomplished what seemed like an overwhelming task until I really tackled it:  cleaning out a closet in the upstairs bedroom with the remains of four teen-age girls. Wait. No. It's not that gruesome. It's really about objects from the past lives of four young women:  my two, who are 22 and almost 21 and WP's two who are 25 and 27. The only one of them now who keeps an address here is my younger SG2 who a junior in college in Boston.

Several phone calls were made and some determinations were made about what would be saved and what would be throw out or donated. When all is said and done, I took out of the closet (and from a couple of drawers) two large bags of trash and three large bags for Sal's. I reclaimed the closet. It's neat and clean and organized. I made room for my suitcases, which are always being shuffled about. The room itself looks really good. It's so 1950's with its built-ins, painted light yellow. And oh the charm of a hardwood floor that a teenager once took red permanent marker to, circa 1999. It's mostly covered up with a rug. When I whine about it, WP tells me "put it on this list" and sighs. The list grows ever longer. Sigh indeed.

Among the things remaining in that closet, one thing strikes me most:  the two wedding gowns; the ones my daughter and daughter-in-law wore on their wedding day when they up and eloped to San Francisco to take advantage of their right to marry. It was a right that was to last only a few short months in California but their marriage is legal, even after the passage of Prop 8. It was mind-boggling the planning they had to do in advance to make the decision to marry when they did. For practical and legal reasons, they had to marry in California and they knew that there would be a small window before they took it away again. So when people comment that my twenty-two-year-old is too young to be married, she responds politely with "so people tell me" and smiles. So do I. Although I did think she was too young to get married. And a year later, I fully understand. She's happy, she is working hard for Americorps and she's putting her ducks in a row for graduate school. And she's married. To a wonderful young woman - my fifth daughter, really.  That makes me smile. Girls. Girls. Girls. I love it.

WP's oldest, M lives in San Francisco and early this summer, so early this summer, I fly to Santa Barbara to spend time with SG1 and the Beloved and then flying to San Francisco to visit WP's daughter. Two birds on the west coast and two on the east coast. So Far.

SG2 is flying the nest more slowly. Given her nature since babyhood, I am not surprised. She struggles with college sometimes in that she is at a big university and things have a tendency to get boggled more as a result. She's not sure if she wants to be a journalist now and she is considering a master's in another field. She is an excellent, talented writer but if she is going to have any financial autonomy, she has to put her skills to use and be able to support herself. She loves Boston and she's made some very close friends there. Her boyfriend since September is a BU student as well and plans on sticking around. Another child to fly away soon. And you never stop worrying about any of them. We are very fortunate, though. We worry because it is the nature of parents to do so but we thankfully don't have much to seriously worry about with this bunch. I am always grateful for this.

SG2 relaxing outside the MFA

I will leave you with another photo from a wintry last year. I did speak of birds and nests, didn't I?  ;-)

If you're interested, the post below is on America artist Milton Avery. Tell me which is your favorite!

What's Goin' On (Long Post With Good Pictures)

Hello, all

One of my classes is over - the grueling one. The other continues into January but with only that one to concentrate on, I think I will have more time for other things such as spending extra time with my family for the holidays, interests and blogging. Family stuff will predominate a couple of weeks into December. My mother is currently in the states with my brother and his family and will join us at our home mid-December and through Christmas. Challenges abound but nothing I can't handle if I make it a priority. I wish I could have been that rational about it last week. Everything caught up with me after weeks of being sick and overwhelmed.

Last week was quite a ride, as things escalate into the holidays at my dysfunctional place of employment. I wrote a post about it but the snark level left a bitter taste in my mouth and I decided not to press the publish button. Too bad my soul can't handle snark. It's always my best writing! ;-)

Whenever I have a moment, I sit down at the ancient laptop and look further into artists from the file labeled look into. I have amassed so many images that the external hard-drive is already full and I'm looking into what to do for extra space. One of my main art preoccupations right now is learning about women artists and their lives. But when I do searches, I invariably find a whole bunch of other interesting art tidbits and I feel like a kid in a candy shop!

My knowledge of artists and art history is growing by leaps and bounds. It's been a long time since I felt this stimulated by any one interest and it makes me feel great.

With so many gorgeous and interesting images in my files, I felt I needed an online space to keep track of my favorites; a place I can revisit to find how I've categorized each image. I created a daily art diary called Give Us This Day (Our Daily Painting). This blog's header has something in common with The Pagan Sphinx header in that both display images of oil paintings hung in the same museum:  The Sterling and Francine Clark Art Institute in Williamstown, Massachusetts. Nymphs and Satyrs by William Bougeareau and Young Christian Girl by Paul Gaugin. Two very different styles by two very different painters but both with personal meaning for me, since I've seen them both so many times, up-close and personal, and always surrounded by people I love. Well. Except once when I was dating after my separation from my ex- husband - ironically that was my worse date, ever. :-D  I will spare you. Suffice it to say that the man intensely disliked and openly criticized every piece of art his gaze fell upon. It was not clear whether he fancied himself an educated critic or if he just didn't like art. Any way ya look at it - Mr. Wrong. Besides, I don't like pony-bead necklaces on men!  :-D  Listen, I really did spare you the details, okay?  ;-)

Give Us This Day

If you click on the Paul Gaugin image, it will take you to my daily art diary. I don't have time to write any personal thoughts on the paintings or vignettes to accompany each, but there are some really beautiful paintings posted there already, with basic information such as one would get on a visit to a real museum. You don't have to comment, though you can. But Blogger does this thing to me that really buggers up my blogging:  I am frequently unable to leave comments with my google ID. In  the case of Give Us, I am unable to leave comments on my own blog. So. My friend Linda of Vulture Peak Muse has left some lovely comments and it makes me happy that she enjoys visiting. 83% Happy. That's one of my post tags. I should tell you the entire meaning behind that in a post one day, though I think a couple of people have caught on to that already! Sorry about my esoteric qualities. I'm basically a shy, private person and I am continuously frustrated by my inability to write a personal story well. I can to satisfy myself. I guess that will have to do!     :-)

I took a path there. And I am now about to return to an earlier thread in this post. Classes. I'm having a time of it getting used to being an older student. What seems to be bugging me the most is the way that three out of three instructors I've had thus far fail to understand at times that they are teaching adults. My classes primarily consit of post-bachloriate students or masters level students seeking alternate teaching licenses. My first instructor looked at me with a sad face once and said in almost a whisper:  "you're giving me a headache". Okay, lady.  The other one verbally chewed the head off of a student who was feeling a tad frustrated - with him and for good reason. I may just finish off my current course and use the ones I've completed as padding for my resume and to indicate that I've upgraded my teaching skills. And. Call It a Day. This idea calms me. Sigh. Since I discovered the benefits of staying calm and peaceful, I tend to eschew all the rattle. Except, of course as it applies to Shake Rattle and Roll. I still love my rock music and at times, I like it really loud. And beautifully written and interpreted folk songs. These are among the things that keep me going.

The state of the world? I'm tuning out. A loud rattle. It makes my head hurt. I have no emotional or mental space for it at the time being. My neighbors in Maine voted against marriage equality. I'll just drive through on my way to Nova Scotia, thank you. A gourmet picnic lunch or two is being planned already for next summer, so we don't have to spend money in Maine. See, I still care. It's just that I have to be selective.  ;-)

My daughter (SG1) and daughter-in-law  (The Beloved) on their wedding day, outside of San Francisco City Hall. They celebrated their one year anniversary on October 28, 2009. 

Look soon for an Artist of the Week post on the work of French artist and painter's model, Suzanne Valadon. 

Suzanne Valadon

Another gem of an artist I've discovered is Canadian Emily Carr.  As always click on images to enjoy extra voluptuousness.

I apologize for the lack of rhyme or reason to the posts. The feature Artist of the Week is more like "artist of the month" and I've let some of the others go by the wayside as well. I saw some beautiful paintings of animals on a recent museum visit and wanted to share some for the Art Animalia posts. There is just not enough time to amuse myself! 

 It's a photo I took of a painting at the museum of British Art at Yale University. I think the artist is Stubbs - sounds like a proper English name to me!


And because I don't post  my photographs on The Pagan Sphinx nearly enough, here is one I took earlier this Fall on a day trip to Vermont.

See you 'round the blogosphere.
Love,
Pagan Sphinx

Taking Time Off From Blogging and Other Ruminations

Greetings from Pagan Sphinx land. The heart and soul I put into my art posts needed a bit of nourishment today, so I'm coming by to say hello and tell you how it's going. In a word, my studies are rather dry. One is reading instruction related, the other math related ( oh, joy).  The way I'm accustomed to working with children when it comes to pre-reading, emergent and early reading goes entirely out the window while taking courses to help the deficient reader. Out goes the fun of bringing a story to life through drama, art and the sheer joy of enjoying a great story and its illustrations while lying on the floor with little ones' hands on their chins as they are held mesmerized. If I become a special education teacher, I will have to find more fun ways of teaching reading that still get the skills in or I fear I shall wither and die along with my students. And there-in the problem lies for me. And if regular public education weren't standardized and boring enough, special education is twice as much so.

Why I am doing this, you ask? I'm doing it for the kids who are falling further and further behind so that one day they may be able to enjoy reading and learning on their own terms and not just to satisfy a bar imposed on them by the bureaucracy that is public education.

I'm doing it for myself, too. I'm trying to conquer my fear of the public education machine. Suffice it to say that I have to stay in public education because to go back to private-non-profit would mean working for a stipend. Been there, done that and flat broke. For those of you who are unfamiliar with education, yes, there is in fact another sphere of education where the pay is even less than the public school system.

I've strayed far-off!  One of my classes is not too bad. The other is gruel with sop ( I did mention rumination. Sorry.) I have gruel with sop twice a week and I have to drive over an hour to get it. It's a long story and going any further about it, will only make it likely that I will break out in hives.

 

I have a new avatar (above) Not that you'll be seeing it much, since I'll be blogging hardly at all for the next couple of months, as some of you who read my last post  know. It's a detail from a painting by Surrealist Leonor Fini.

  

I am smitten!

There is another surrealist by the name of Remedios Varo who has really caught my fancy, as well. I wish I had time to compose an image-laden post on her work but as it is, I'm already taking liberties with my limited by time by putting this out to share with you.

But I'm glad I did.  :-)

All the love,

Ms. Sphinx

Remedios Varo

And here is Music for Sunday:  Suzanne Vega's song Ironbound.

What's Going On and Bipolar Article (long post; good article)

 (This is one of those blog award virus images that was floating around. I kind of like it to represent my honest scrap today. Thank you to (I think) Utah Savage for sending it the way of The Pagan Sphinx.)

I'm currently experiencing a sort of blog frenzy. In a couple of weeks blogging will become a low-priority for me, as I will be starting two new classes that overlap by a few weeks. There will a lot of travel and much to do and then it's the holidays. My mother has let me know that she is seriously considering visiting for the holidays, from Portugal. She has two little great-grandchildren (my brother's grandchildren). The last time she saw her GGD was when Anna was three months old. I have mixed feelings about her coming in winter. She doesn't do well in the cold or cooped up in my brother's suburban mansion. My house is too old and dusty for her. I'm really very afraid she'll get sick here.

My brother, whom I'll call Dr. Phil, is being a selfish jerk as usual by putting the squeeze on our mother to come for the holidays and otherwise laying a guilt trip on her about how her great-grandchildren are growing up and she's missing it. Ugh. He could go visit her. Dr. Phil, my nephew with the little kids and his wife are very well off. They could collectively more than afford to rent a flippin' villa near my mother's house, if they wanted to. My brother just has made no progress in getting beyond is anger at my parents for having moved back to Portugal for their retirement.  I too was saddened that my children would grow up largely without their grandparents' regular guidance. But I have been over that for many years now. In fact, now that my father is gone, especially, I think my mother is much better off living out the rest of her life in Portugal. She has many family and friends within walking distance, so she doesn't need to drive. She takes the bus and train to medical appointments and if she is truly in need of private transportation, those same family and friends are available to drive her and are, in fact, happy to do so. My brother had been putting a lot of pressure on her and on me to support his "position", to move back to the U.S. And I know that is not what my mother wants. She's told me over the course of a lot of conversations over many years, that that is not what she wants. Why my brother can't accep that must be between him and his shrink. I certainly hope he has one, as he is truly in need. And I am dead serious, not a mean-spirited bone or wish in me. I hope only the best for Dr. Phil ( and that nickname does make me smile a bit wryly).  I just wish he would lay off.

If only you could see Dr. Phil in action. He's tempered himself a bit over the years but I've lost count of how many times he hung up the phone on me in conversations we had a couple of years ago, during a particularly troubling period in my life:  SG1, as I wrote about above, was in one of many psych wards and my husband and I were splitting up. He called to demand information about my daughter's "problem", as he put it. He accused me of "killing our parents" (my father was still living then) by telling them about SG's mental illness. I was fit to be tied and I told him the conversation was over and he ended it himself immediately by hanging up.

The other significant time Dr. Phil hung up on me had to do with his preemptive strike against me over how I should quit my summer school job one week into it (and I really needed the income then) to go care for my mother upon her release from the hospital after gastric cancer surgery. I hadn't even had time to digest (pardon) the news when he's on the phone telling me that I had to go and that doing so would become my "defining moment" (that's why I dubbed him Dr. Phil) He was really busy, you see planning his vacation. When I took issue with his confrontational attitude and not so much with what he was wanting me to do, which I naturally ended up doing because it was the right thing to do for my mother, not because he was brow-beating me into it. And I told him so.

My mother asked my opinion last weekend of whether she should make the trans-Atlantic flight to Boston a couple of weeks before Christmas. I told her that was up to her and how she feels physically and emotionally about the trip and insisted that it should be her decision and her decision only. In typical Maria-Style, she kept she kept urging me to elaborate but I stuck to my line. I am not getting in the middle of that one!

They are writing sudden flurry and frenzy of notes in my medical file these days. It is nothing serious but I'm having to jump through some hoops for the medical system so I can be properly treated for chronic UTIs. If don't know the acronym, I'm glad for you. If you know it all too well, I'd be happy to comiserate. ;-)  I have one more appointment with the handsome Spanish urologist (he wears clogs. I have this thing for men in clogs) heheh.) and then I should be set-up with the proper treatment. I have tried every bloody thing under the sun to take care of the UTIs with more holistic approaches. We'll see what my options are.

SG1 and The Beloved are doing very well!  SG1 and I talk most days.The Americorps stint was really difficult for the first month or so her position, but she made it through with flying colors and really enjoying it. I'm not sure she wants to follow in her mother's footsteps as a teacher of young children, though her placement is at an elementary school where she is a literacy tutor for kindergarten and first grade. She's expressed a mild interest in perhaps being certified to teach high school. I listen and try to be supportive. SG1 is worried that she will not be able to do what she wants to do for graduate school. She is a brilliant girl and always has to have goals. And right now she is where she is and needs to finish this Americorps endeavor. With the economy the way it is, she may even have to do a second year of the program. She has two years to think about what she wants to pursue in graduate school. She mentioned law school again recently, which she hasn't done in a while. It bothers her not to know what she will doing in two years. It's interesting, because it bothers me to know what I'll be doing in two years. ;-)

SG2 is happy to be in Boston. I don't doubt she will stick around those parts when she is done with her studies. She loves the city and also that it's close enough to home that it's not such a big hassle to make the trip. She's very social and has a huge circle of friends. Funny how this kid was so shy when she was a baby, only coming out of her shell in around middle childhood. She has a new boyfriend, whom I'll  name Crocket. I have not yet met him but they are quite inthralled with one another. I've hinted plainly that he visit.  :-)

WP and I are just plain happy together. I love my dearly crazy, socially-inept loving weirdo almost-husband. 

 And yes, the time for slacking will soon reach its end. 

Meanwhile, I have things to share with you. I just found a mailing from CABF - Child and Adolescent Bipolar Foundation. I don't trust large organizations like this entirely. One critism I've heard of CABF is that they receive generous contributions from Big Pharma and therefore may be more predisposed to advocating drug treatment for children. Which is still a controversial subject among shrinks, teachers, parents and physicians.

My experiences with CABF all involved using their website for informatin when SG1 had the ultimate teen meltdown six years ago and ended up in and out of psychiatric hospitals for the next two years. (Some of you who have read this blog for a while may recall a bit about that.) I found the website to be very helpful and informative and since the correct drug or drugs was the only way to go for my daughter, I read a lot about medications on the site also. I am, in fact, an advocate of people receiving what they need to get better, regardless of the type of condition. Taking the medication route is a personal/family decision.

I was encouraged today to read this article in the newsletter I receive from CABF, about adolescent bipolar disorder:
Young Adults May Outgrow Bipolar Disorder Source: University of Missouri-Columbia press release

This was a slice of my life. I was inspired by Spadoman Joe at  Round Circle.
Thanks, Joe and Peace

What's Goin' On: Busy as Hell

I wanted to let you all know how sorry I am that I've not been able to get to blogs. This past weekend was really time-consuming (in a good way) but I'm very behind with everything else in my life. I've also been busy gathering materials to submit for both the masters program and a couple of jobs I'm interested in applying for.

The girls are home, too, and I'd like to spend as much time with them as I can this summer. All of this leaves very little time for hobbies and interests.

I think I can continue to post the Friday Nudes and the occasional update and if I'm able, I'll visit your blogs a few at a time. I'm filled with regret, as I so love visiting blogs. I know you will understand but I'll feel like I'm the one really missing out.

All the love,
Pagan Sphinx

What's Goin' On

There's a lot goin' on! I'm assembling my info for the application packet for the graduate (fast-track) program I'm enrolling in. The first class starts on June 29. That means that I have one precious week after school ends and before I start attending M-TH, from 2:30-7:30 daily, with an hour plus round-trip commute. This ends on July 9.

In two weeks SG1 and The Beloved are graduating from college; cum laude and with thesis honors. Several activities are planned that weekend, which is Memorial Day weekend. The girls are moving into their tiny apartment on the Santa Barbara University campus mid-August. That is starting to settle in, though it's still hard for me to imagine my daughter living a continent away from me. She has applied for a AmeriCorp job which she is eagerly awaiting word about. The Beloved will have her graduate studies and stipend and SG1 hopefully will be working a job with benefits. AmeriCorps is perfect: offers benefits, money toward the cost of paying off student loans and a small stipend. We're really hoping she gets it. She would be perfect in that setting.

SG2 is home for the summer and will be starting her summer job this weekend at the supermarket. She's somewhat despondent about leaving Boston and all her friends. She's settled in very nicely this year and immensely looking forward to returning. This is cause for relief for me, her mother, because her first year was not her happiest. She and her high school boyfriend have parted ways for a few months now and she is seeing other boys, having fun and doing very well in school.

This summer SG1 and SG2 and I are going on vacation together to visit my mother in Portugal; not far from Lisbon. But before we do that, we're making a little stop. I'm splurging on three days and nights in Barcelona for us. I can't imagine the next time we'll have such an opportunity. The Beloved is flying home to Sacramento to spend her last summer with her family before she and SG1 resume their life as a couple. This is the perfect time for the three of us to do some bonding and funning together. Then we go relax with my mother and see the rest of my family and enjoy some hot Portuguese sun, some Atlantic Ocean and lots of great food.

These family trips to Portugal have tended to have sibling rivalry all over them in the past but we're going to try to behave as if that's not so. We three are older and wiser and hoping for the best. And I think we're all really going to try not to get on each other's nerves. (keeping fingers crossed). Speaking of the past. Here's a digital photo of a print (cuz I can't figure out this scanner and I just never get around to figuring it out) of us on vacation in Portugal in 92', I think it was. That flash is glare and the one making the goofy face is SG1, in her own little world.



I think I've accepted the fact that I have to get through this program in order to get out of the trap I'm in at work, which I can't discuss in very much detail here. Today was just awful. Every day that I have like this at work is just another indication of how I need to move on from there. It is simply just a bad fit between this workplace and me.

World and national politics have me burned out. I'm discouraged by the escalation of war. Instead of bringing the troops home from Iraq, we're gearing up big-time for Afghanistan and Iran. I didn't expect such hawkishness from this president. Go ahead and lecture me, if you need to. I know a lot of people feel that Obama is between a rock and a hard place. But you can't convince me war is justified. It very rarely is. It should be a last resort. I know it's ideaistic but it's my conscience and I'm listening to it.

What are you all doing for the summer, do you know yet?

What's Goin' On

photo by Pagan Sphinx

Flowers in Emily Dickinson's Garden Amherst, Massachusetts

Wow! I can't believe it's been an entire week since I've been to either of my blogs. I believe that's the longest stretch of time I've gone without posting something, except when I've been on vacation.

It was no picnic, though. I ran around a lot for Alice's service on Saturday, the 11th and I haven't stopped running since. There was stuff to do: calls and visits to make, thank yous to pass on, emails to return. I managed to get some yard work done but that's about it. The house, especially my room and workspace, are a total freaking mess. The good news is that next week is spring vacation week and I can try to get some things done without entirely sacrificing my mad time; time to just do what I want to do, have fun and enjoy the weather.

I want to thank all who sent good wishes and prayers and thoughts and love our way when Alice died. Your kindness is very much appreciated, as this has been a highly reflective time for me. Alice is the first very old person with whom I became friends. Every other loss has been an elderly relative: grandparents, aunts and uncles. It affected me more than I was prepared for. You start feeling the loss more as the days go on, especially when you're accustomed to seeing and talking to that person on a regular basis.

Ed: thank you for the Tongue and Groove CD! It was a very cool surprise to get that in the mail! I've yet to play it but "yet to" has my mantra lately. One of the reasons I'm looking forward to vacation is so I can listen to your bass! ;-) Best to Suzy and thank you both for keeping our family in your thoughts.

Bobbie, Dianne, JCF, Betmo, Cunning Runt, Susan, Linda, Steve, Lisa, Fran, Sherry, Thorne, Kenju and Daryl - you are all dear to me. Really. Oh, and Grandmere Mimi and Soulbrush, too. I hope I haven't forgotten anyone who so generously has remembered my family and me. Hugs and love to you all.

Bluebear2 - It's been much too long since we exchanged blog visits! I'm glad to see you are around and thus your blogs. I'll go over to see what you've been up to very soon. Your story is quite sad. We're hoping to keep Alice's house in the family and maybe even see grandchildren grow up there. But in the way future, who knows.

Aleksandra: welcome and thank you for the Easter greetings. I would love to check out your blog soon.

Utah Savage: Why, thank you for the award! I'm on my way there right now to pick it up. I kind of like that feeling of anticipation, don't you? We lead such exciting lives. Always busy picking up awards that define how wonderful we are! ;-) I'm glad this blog planet exists as a break from the ordinariness of daily life!

Enjoy your week and I hope to be a part of comments on all of your blogs starting...well...now!

As they say in Portugal "beijinhos" (little kisses)

Seven Deadly Sins: Sloth

Hieronymus Bosch
The Seven Deadly Sins and the four Last Things
(click to enlarge)

Kay's Seven Deadly Sins meme is up and running with sloth. So far in playing these meme, I've stuck to a non-confessional mode but for this one I think I'll make an attempt to write a little about my own slothfulness.

I was baptized Catholic. My father allowed it to appease my mother. After that, Mother became overwhelmed by life, I'm sure and neglected to keep trying to convince Father that my brother and I should be raised Catholic. My father was, for most of his life, a self-proclaimed atheist but later in life, he began to cave in to the whims of the Virgin Mary, who in Portugal is more popular than Jesus. I then began to consider him more of an agnostic, though he was hard-pressed to admit it himself.

So having no formal religious upbringing, I don't believe in sin as it's proclaimed in early Christian thinking. Or any Christian thinking, for that matter. But I don't say that to dampen the spirit of Kay or her meme but to illustrate how little regard I have for western religion. In other words, I'm a heathen, a pagan and a secular humanist, for the most part. With a deep, underlying sense that god is love and love is god and that is what's inside of each of us. When I am overwhelmed by the power, beauty and magic of this earth, I do wonder about a Great Spirit or Creator. But I'm not too hung up on what form or forms that could possibly take. I'm content to sit in wonder and refer to science, mythology and legend.

Having said that I don't really believe in Sin as punishable in any godly way, I must admit that if I did, Sloth would have to be my greatest sin. Especially in the last couple of years. I used to be very hard-working. I still work hard at many things: my job. Uh. My job. Everything else is always piling up: laundry, housework, yard work, lists of people to call, lists of things to do.

I'm torn between guilt and celebration at my slothfulness. I feel guilty because I grew up with a working mother who ironed the underwear every Sunday and kept the house spotless and dust-free. I feel celebratory because it's liberating not to be a slave to that crap. By the same token, it's taking its toll in that I feel even more slothful when I see what is piling up, become overwhelmed and turn my back on it.

I'm trying to find reasons for my slack. One friend said it's okay for me to be slothful because I only a couple of years ago sent my youngest off to college. Prior to that it seems it was nothing but work. Raising two busy daughters, working, getting them through high school and the whole college admissions process, going through a divorce, beginning a new relationship with new daughters and a future MIL. My friend thinks I'm entitled to some sloth. I'd like to seize on her comments and cave in to them, forever. But I'm not altogether sure this is a healthy thing to do. I'm now nearing the end of my rope in the sloth department.

I'm making myself do things. Forcing. Yesterday, I decided to go out and work in the yard to remove leaves and see what's popping up. It was tempting to take my camera and start taking pictures but I made a pact with myself that I would work for an hour and then go get the camera as a reward. It worked. I accomplished quite a lot, found some shoots of spring bulbs popping up and then felt entitled to take a drive and shoot more pictures.

Later in the day, I visited my future MIL, who is 87 and going downhill fast. I brought her some soup and we talked about her memorial service arrangements, which she has been very diligent in planning. I see her a few times a week but again, I have to force myself to go. It's really tearing me up to see someone I care about preparing herself for death. It makes sense that she do so. It means she's accepting that she won't last forever. But it's still a painful reminder of loss and regret.

I don't always want to be reminded of loss and regret. Another way in which I've changed. I wallowed in loss and regret for years. After finally beating down depression after many long years, I want to avoid the heavy emotional work of confronting it when I need to.

It appears that my tendency toward slothfulness is a mixed bag. There is a lot of freedom in it from the things that used to overwhelm me with depression, stress and anxiety. By the same token, I'm asking myself how long I want this to last.

My house is not clean. It's hard to keep clean. It's a house built in 1950. It has many nice antique rugs that create tremendous dust. If I were a good housekeeper, I'd have to vacuum daily. And I don't want to, so I live with the dust. I manage to make and keep a couple of rooms really nice.

Our bedroom is not one of them. It's like a dorm room we share. I'm okay with that. My desk is here. The filing chest from WP's father's old insurance office from the 40s and 50s, which is filled with art postcards, photographs, craft stuff and all sorts of odds and ends. WP has his piles of books. We have our TV where we watch a lot of movies. Our bed has a feather mattress top and a warm, down quilt. And there is my bureau with my collection of handcrafted (mostly) jewelry. We live and love and work and read and entertain ourselves in this room. Here is another example of giving up on expectations. My parent's room was for sleeping only. The bed was always made and everything was in its place, dust-free and perfect.

There have been times when I want that same order; when I wish I could turn a room into a place of beauty that stays the same no matter who has been in it. I have been striving for color and art in the parts of the house I can control. Otherwise, I think it is more important to live than to showcase.

I don't live alone. I want to avoid the trap of making up the whole house my way without regard to its history and the two generations that've grown up here. More importantly, this is WP's house as well as my house. The rugs are his. Most of the art is his. Some things are now ours. It's a mishmash of what happens when a blended family is created. Most of the time I'm okay with that.

I meandered a bit on sloth. But what all my words have in common, I think, is an attempt to try to balance what I don't want to do with what I have to do. I saw how hard both my parents worked to achieve some standard they had for their home. At times at the expense of just being and spending time as a family. I don't want to do that but I'm not always comfortable with th result of slacking off, either.

This is a struggle for me, not a sin. Interestingly the wiki entry for The Seven Deadly Sins indicates that the old form of sloth was really about the sin of despair and melancholy. In other words: what we now call depression. Its modern form is more like laziness and not utilizing one's talents. Looking at sloth from a sin perspective, I'm guilty of both. I was in a state of low-level depression for years, with the occasional clinical episode. And now I'm not depressed, just slacking off! See how complicated this slothfulness is for me? ;-)

What's Goin' On: Another Update

Thank you again and again for your good wishes.

Changes at work with a new hire and with that, a bit of adjustment and stress. Just a touch. I'm trying hard not to let it get out of hand. Suffice it to say about work: I'm at times amazed by the things that people will say about each other. Completely subjective, arrogant, bigoted and otherwise insensitive. Ugh.

I'm also fighting hard not to become a total recluse. Blogging is good for me in the sense that I maintain contact with people, albeit not face-to-face, but at least it's a form of socialization and community. Even blogging lately has felt like a chore. I don't know if it's because I've taken on too many blogging "responsibilities", if you will. Or if it has something to do with having been sick. Or even if this lack of motivation is perhaps a life-cycle thing? Does it have to do with peri-menopause? I'm changing, I know that. None of if is freaking me out much so far. In fact, all I long for is a sort of peaceful bliss all the time. But meanwhile, I feel guilty because I'm not accomplishing enough, either in the real world or in blogging.

I face a graduate program stint in the not so distant future and I'm flaked out about it simply because I don't want to be a student. Actually, I'd love to be a student. An art history student, for example. Instead I will be enduring a year's worth of crap, most of which I already know because the state feels I need this credential. And perhaps I do but it would be nice if there was an easier, sort of more home-grown, local way to go about it. Oh and did I mention affordable? Oh, there's such a shortage of special education teachers! Oh, yeah? Then why the hell is there no financial help available to obtain the credential? It's going to cost $10,000 for me to obtain this credential. Another non-incentive.

I need the credential because it will mean a fair salary increase and perhaps even, going to another school where the classroom environment isn't so ambiguous. It's hard to explain without going into great detail, which I don't want to do publicly. Suffice it to say that the communication aspect of my classroom environment is a struggle for me. With the other adults, I mean. The children are the joy of it and the least of my concerns.

To recap: I'm seriously lacking motivation for anything yet I am not depressed. I feel at peace inside, for the most part and finding it remarkably easy to love and care for others. My weaknesses are still a lack of patience with people who convolute things too much. And a lack of patience with those who don't open up to whatever extent is necessary to work together more harmoniously. And I can be a pain in the ass sometimes, too. I interrupt when I need clarification on something, which bugs people sometimes but if I don't clarify, then by the time they're finished, I will have forgotten to ask; this being especially true when I'm dealing with a very long-winded person. Right? I really just want to get the whole story. And I can be very straightforward with people if I need to cut right to the chase, which takes some people aback. I choose my battles but when I have to fight one, I'm pretty assertive. And I can be contrary during this process. It is precisely because of this tendency, that I have learned (the hard way sometimes) to choose my battles.

A little bit more about me that you may not have expected to read. I hope it's okay...

Love and thanks,
Pagan Sphinx


This was the other Frida Khalo that is at the MoMA. It's not a good photo and so better off reduced in size as posted.

A Good Day to Visit Blogs

Taken a couple of weeks agon on a blue sky day. I played around with my ancient version of photo shop and found this "ink outline" effect that was sort of fun.

It's a snow day! When I received the call at 5:30 this morning, I had a ferocious headache, so I'm grateful to be very much ensconced in my cozy house while the snow falls...and falls...and falls. It's entirely white out, except the trees that accumulate precarious layers of snow on their gray, bare branches.

I'm not quite ready to dress up in warm layers and go out there and I'm not feeling obligated to post anything in particular. So I'm gonna be a blog whore and visit as many blogs as I can for a while. That is, until it stops snowing and I can take pictures. You really can't see much out there right now.

I hope to see you on your blog today and if I don't make it and you want me to read something, please let me know!

Our Holidays

WP's sister and his mother, A.P. who is 87

WP's lovely daughters M an L, lighting the Menorah, in honor of their Jewish heritage on their mom's side

My Supergirls

Left: Supergirl Two and her BFF S.A. (whom I've known and loved since she was born)

Some favorite gifts

A Santa from SG2

A cool stapler from WP's daughter M

Dark truffles from WP

And this sums it up in the form of a warm pair of socks with a logo, from WP's daughter L. :-)

If you'd like to check out my holiday slideshow on the side bar, there are a ton of photos there. Just click on it and it will take you to Picassa where they can be viewed bigger.

I finally had success in figuring out how to install a slideshow, so this is a major technoligical victory for me!