Blogging 'Round the Globe (Linking to SkyWatch)

An amazing, almost miraculous thing happened around here today. The sun came out for the first time in six days of rain.

Linking to SkyWatch

A Flower Power Moment with Yusuf (Cat Stevens)

A very good one at that and oh, very young...

Foolish and Fluffy

This post is nothing fancy. WP is in...er...Washington, D.C. And no, the purpose of his trip is not political, at least not in regard to the government. With lots of things hanging around waiting to get done, I sit here making up pastimes that are way more fun than putting ornaments away, doing laundry, sweeping the front hall...

This is how I avoid housework. Finding paintings of fluffy kittens and pudgy puppies. I'm feeling random - it could be anything. Here we go!

Oh, wait. A note to Dianne:  you know, luv, it's not too early to expose Hope to art. Just have her drool on her favorite, k?  ;-)

Foolishness

(I did promise fluffiness)

Fluffiness

both images by Arthur Heyer

Ferociousness

Spencer Hodge

The little girl being the ferocious one.  ;-)

Theophile Alexander Steinlen 

1889

 Fashionable

Marguerite Gérard

Is It Real?

Do we really have a new president? I'm still pinching myself. I have a lot to say and not much time to say it in. I'm very busy for the next several days, with blogging consisting of mostly pre-done photo posts on the Pagan's Eye.

I feel pride and even a touch of patriotism - not the rah rah my country right or wrong type, because I'll never be that style of patriot. But I feel proud to be an American. Being the child of immigrants, the Obama story touches me deeply.

I liked what he said about unclenched fists. I hope our own American fist will begin to open into a hand that can be identified by the world as one that seeks to help.

What's Goin' On

Monday afternoon: in the dentist chair for an hour having two fillings done - Drill, Baby, Drill. Ugh.

But there was a pleasant surprise later that evening: my daughter, Supergirl Two, age 19, and I had an IM chat where she thanked her dad and me for raising her with enough freedom to allow us to find ourselves but always managing to keep us safe. Blew me away.

One traumatic, life-changing event we were unable to prevent and I still find fault with myself as a parent over it: my older daughter, Supergirl One, was raped when she was sixteen, while on a date with a boyfriend. This triggered the bipolar disorder which, while far from dormant, perhaps would not have erupted with a vigor that landed her in a succession of psychiatric wards over the course of two years.

Despite all of that, I was able to breathe a giant sigh of relief in hearing from my daughter that she was okay with the way we'd raised her.

Tuesday morning: caught my hand in the ancient garage door that must have been designed long ago by the Marqi de Sade. Excruciating pain. Ice. Off to work. Very glum all day with the pain and not too happy regarding some of the things I had to deal with at work.

This morning was a real roller-coaster of emotions for me which, of course, I had to keep under wraps all morning until the kiddos went home; which today was early. Thanks for small miracles.
The afternoon went much better. I am currently engaged in a strong attempt to get to know and understand a co-worker who has posed tremendous challenges for me for two years. When we talked this afternoon, I felt a wall had come down between us and it felt quite good - to both of us, I think. There are other barriers to try to overcome but I'm encouraged.

Like a lot of us out there, I've hit an all-time low over what's happening with the campaign. I've been alternately angry and depressed and today, while listening to John McCain on the radio, I engaged in a loud, angry outburst in my car, which didn't help the headache I've been fighting off all week. What the fuck are we going to do?

I'm sure you've figured out the upshot: I've had a really crappy week so far. But this evening, I felt turned around a bit. How I can tell is that I have begun to smile over that compliment from my daughter, instead of continuing to blame myself for not keeping them safe enough. And I now have an incentive to proceed with my goal of trying to reconcile my differences with my co-worker in a way that is comfortable for both of us.

Hope. Sometimes it takes me days to find it. At one time it took me years.

Life Is The Red Wagon

The artist formerly known as Jane Sibery

On Anger

I used to have a lot of anger problems. A lot of it had to do with depression, which for me, caused irritability and angry outbursts. I'm not so prone to anger any more but I continue to think about anger and its potential to creep up on me and interfere with my new-found (relative) freedom from it.

I think one reason for the abatement of anger in my life is that I'm in a very good relationship: one where I can be myself and still feel I deserve the love and attention I get, even when I'm far from perfect. Another reason is the maturation process. In terms of feeling peace and acceptance, getting older agrees with me.

Where I continue to struggle is in my reactions to people when they express anger, especially when it seems misplaced and misguided. To me. If I see little reason in the anger and negativity beyond that which I can change; even in myself, I then feel a strong need to eschew that person and cut them out of my life; at least to an extent that is possible. I've done that with a relative; with whom I have to stay somewhat in touch but with whom I no longer engage in bitter struggles with myself over. The other came more recently. I decided that what I'd gained from the relationship was so old and stagnant, that it didn't merit the time and attention I would need to give the person to try to understand their anger and negativity. I've asked myself if this was selfish. And I'm still trying to answer that question.

One of the things I've discovered in attempting to answer that question is that the anger displayed toward me personally by others, which goes beyond what I can do myself to turn it around, just causes me to become angry back. It's all too much a reminder of how angry and defensive I can become in the face of what I consider to be unfounded anger on the part of others. That isn't to say that anger hasn't been directed at me personally in the recent past which has gone ignored. It has and sometimes with just cause. In those cases, where I value and love the person, I'm working on seeing their point of view on what makes them angry at me and I try to change that, if I can. Sometimes it takes several conversations and strong emotions and a lot of work. But it's worth it, for the other person and for me.

But I have to admit that otherwise, I avoid angry, negative, defensive people whenever possible. I wonder if I'm depriving myself of lessons potentially learned or if I'm preserving my energies for those struggles that are really worth it.

We all become angry, frustrated, irritable and defensive at times. Mostly toward the ones we love and care about the most. I understand that and I'm trying to learn from it. Is it selfish of me to avoid those other, peripheral angry people? Or is this protective mechanism a good thing for me.? I have tended to conclude the latter most of the time. But I go back and forth. Avoiding the angry has worked for me. I admit that it's worked for me because I honestly lack the emotional energy to take it on. If it's one thing about depression that has stayed with me and no amount of peace or happiness or medication can take away, it's a limited amount of emotional energy. I don't mean the happy kind, as I'm sure you might guess. I mean the negative, complex, exhausting kind. Again, it's the people I love I try to save this emotional energy for. Even then, sometimes it's difficult to rise to the occasion as well as I'd like to. Sometimes I even fail miserably. I'm working on it.

I'm mostly concerned about how unavoidable, peripheral people affect my attitude toward anger and toward myself. For example, at work. I work with one person on my team who presents a lot of challenges for me. I can't avoid her, so how do I deal, right? She doesn't overtly express anger but instead engages in what some would and have called passive-aggresive actions. I have tried to ignore them, I have tried to talk to her about it (without referring to her as such) and have gotten nowhere. It causes me to worry about my own responses,which are mostly directed inward. I have so little to go on as to why I cause this person to be so angry with me, as she refuses to be forthcoming about anything that I can change. I can only guess and say it's her problem but it doesn't make the situation any easier on a day-to-day basis. It sucks so much energy out of me to deal with her. And deal I must - as in, next week when school starts again.

What role does anger play in the quest for self-awareness and inner peace? What do my reactions to anger say about me? How do I avoid defining my life as a series of emotional struggles? Or should I just accept it as such; both personally and as part of the human condition?

I have more questions than answers, as usual. Though I have far more of a clue than I did years ago in even asking these questions. For that I'm grateful.

Wednesday at 7:00 pm EST

I posted this at The Peace Tree last week. I'm not sure if I'll be able to see the show this week but anyone else does, please let me know what you think of it.

Peace,
Pagan

IN THEIR BOOTS is a compelling new magazine show about the dramatic impact the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are having on us - the people here at home. The show will feature our Iraq and Afghanistan service men and women, and their families, in stories that have universal appeal.

Funded by a grant from the Iraq Afghanistan Deployment Impact fund (IADIF) and produced by Brave New Foundation, IN THEIR BOOTS will be streamed exclusively online.

In Their Boots will be hosted by Jan Bender, a veteran of the war in Iraq who served as a rifleman/combat correspondent in Iraq with 3rd Battalion, 1st Marines from 2004 to 2005.

Every week a live episode will be built around a dramatic and emotional IN THEIR BOOTS "Real Story," a non-fiction narrative about how our service people, their families, and their communities have been profoundly changed by the nation's campaigns in Iraq and Afghanistan. Then, in a live forum, Jan Bender, our host, will interview the participants and lead a discussion that includes experts, service-providers and individual viewers in an interactive discussion of the issues raised.

Another Patriot Speaks From The Heart

The Cunning Runt over at Little Bang Theory published what in my view is a truly patriotic post about Independence Day. It is written with passion and heart is one of the reasons I admire this lovely man so much.

Happy Birthday, My Country

Oh, and while you're at it, check out CR's breathtaking nature photos. The man has many talents.

Pathways, Bridges & Walls

I've just finished reading a recent post at what is perhaps my favorite blog: Sexuality In The Arts. Its title is deceptive in the sense of what it implies about the blog. It's a lot about the arts, yes. But it's also about loving, living and how personal expression can have an impact on lives - privately, socially, politically and spiritually.

Perhaps because of the path I'm currently traveling, One More Option, the author of Sexuality In The Arts, has become a sort of teacher. As is typical, OMO's post is about a lot of things but what I've taken away from it most is this, the ending paragraph:

I’m not a big fan of traditional boundaries. When life has given me boundaries, I’ve often responded by building sustainable archways, gates, bridges and tunnels - anything that might help people avoid being confined.

Whether it be physical, political or spiritual confinement, I can think of nothing more hellish. I find it especially sad when people impose confinement and isolation upon themselves and resist those who, in good faith, attempt to offer another path. Perhaps that path is not where they think they want to go. And granted, there are paths of various lengths, that lead to many places; not all of them acceptable to all of us.

My feeling is that we can walk down a path that is not for us, perhaps by the hand of someone else and still hold tight to who we are and what we believe. If that path is not leading to a place we like, or the view is not what we want to see along the way, we can always come back to where we started or take another path that leads back to where we want to be. To me that doesn't necessarily mean we have to unconditionally accept the path that is not for us. What it means is that we walked it and that we attempted to do so in another's shoes. It could very well mean that the path was not for us but it does give us another perspective. Perhaps even some common ground with the person who invited us to walk.

What I hold as an ideal for myself is not always how I manage to behave. I try. I try so hard. Mostly I fail, as I consider myself much more of a student than a teacher or sage. When I see how very far I have to go, I feel infantile. It does not stop me from attempting those few first steps. When I read something like the post by OMO, I feel a sense of wanting to try even harder. That is why I look up to her so much.

Paths not walked, when we are invited to do so, are a type of confinement. I choose to walk the paths I'm invited to walk upon. There are bridges, many bridges, that I want so badly to cross and have no idea how. I want to learn how. Everywhere I turn there are walls. We can either curl up and accept our confinement or we can paint a picture, write a poem or compose a song. Others then can see what we have to say. If we're lucky, we can be invited to tear down the wall - together - when we can see what each of us have to say and where it may lead us.

One More Option: thank you for being my teacher.
Yours in Peace,
Pagan Sphinx

Mad Pride

What's Goin' On

My 19 year-old daughter whom I call Supergirl Two or SG2, a.k.a. Ultimate Spawn on her dad's blog, is done for the semester. She'll be living between her dad's and my house and...hopefully working. She has an interview tomorrow at a local supermarket. I always preferred waitressing when I was in college: fast money and you could cheat. This tells you that I am, in fact, 30% evil. hehehe She is still in suspence about a couple of her grades but she thinks she did well.

Meanwhile, Supergirl One or SG1, a.ka. Elder Progeny on her dad's blog (he's always been more clever than I, cunning runt!), called me today to announce that she is DONE for the semester and she is most happy and relieved. She said she had pulled an all-nighter and fell asleep at 6:30 a.m. today. My advise: take a blanket and a warm body and go lay out in the spring sun.

And me, I'm happy now that I'm home. Work had its magic moments, as it does daily. My thought for the day has been: I think that if children were properly entertained, they would learn so much more than if they went to school. Followed by a mantra - you think too much, you think too much...

So. I read this article in the New York Times on Sunday, went to Feministing today, at the suggestion of my daughter and had to talk about it here.

At feministing, I was introduced to the funny and charming Liz Spikle on a youtube video they featured. I'm looking forward to reading her blog which discusses mental health issues. I have a strong feeling she's on my side. :-) Check it out. Especially if you don't have a mental illness.

Brazil Classics

If you have your phones on and you click on the jukebox below, you will be treated to the sound of Barak Obama's voice which will fade very nicely into a Brasil Classics mix I hope you will enjoy. The collection was compiled by David Byrne, who obviously understands and loves this music.




Brazil Classics I - Belize Tropical, 1989
1) Caixa de Sol (Box of Sun) by Nazare Periera
2) Um Canto de Afoxe' Para O Bloco do Ile (Ile Aye) by Caetano Veloso
3) Quilombro, O el Dorado Negro by Gilberto Gil
4) Sonho Meu (My Dream) by Maria Bethania & Gal Costa

Lyrics for Caixa de Sol (Box of Sun) translated from the Portuguese. It loses something in the translation but it is still a beautiful message. Enjoy.

My box of sun

Is the heart of the people

Where I can warm myself

To remember or to forget

To live or to dream

Fill myself with pure energy

That gives strenght to my singing

Your box of sun

Is my very own heart

Where you will have a spot

Always ready to shelter you

There you ca forget all your sadness

You can laugh or cry

The sunbox of the people

Is the heart of the world

Where humanity joins hands

To live in equality

Searching for eternal peace

But fighting all the time

Waging every war

1982 Cezzame Argile