What's Goin On

 A photo from Christmas of SG1 and my mother, who visited from Portugal for holidays.

One of the last photos I had an opportunity to take of SG1 at the Mount Holyoke campus, before she graduated last year.

Some time constraints have eased for me and I am able to blog with a frenzy this coming week. If you see a new post, please scroll down for what will probably be others that have been posted in close succession. They're mostly art posts, though I've been finding it fun to engage with my blog pals a bit by asking for requests such as a favorite nude for The Friday Evening Nudes and more recently, asking folks to tell me what famous artist they would want to paint their portrait. For me this is entertaining and lots of fun. I think I've lost some readers who may not really like art all that much but I guess that's the way things go as a blog evolves and eventually knows what it wants to be.

Just a note to my blog pals about what's goin' on in the life of Pagan Sphinx. Not much, really. My class ended two weeks ago and I'm awaiting my grade a bit anxiously, as the class was a ball of confusion due to an unprepared, inadequate and ambiguous instructor. There was one component of my final project that was missing due to how convoluted the last minute revisions the instructor imposed on the final assignment were. I'll try to be gracious about my final grade, if I feel it is fair but if I feel it isn't, I will certainly contest it. I palled up with three other women in the class and all three of us had the same impressions. Including that if you were a woman over 40 in that class, you remained invisible even if you stood on your head on your chair and did the splits. Oh, well.

Otherwise, I work. I come home and talk on the phone with my girls for as long as it takes for them to tell me what's on their minds. Sometimes, it is a long time before I'm done with my phoning. I'm glad they keep in touch so much.

SG1 is busy prepping for the GRE (graduate admissions exam) so that she can begin to narrow down what graduate programs she'd like to enroll in. If she is accepted to one far from Santa Barbara, it will mean a separation for her and her wife. I find it amazing that they're willing to be apart so they can both fulfill their goals. SG1 is way too goal-oriented and very clear about what she wants to accomplish to take a back seat to a partner. They both understand that and wish to help the other. Although, it won't be easy, I see this couple as being very supportive of each other and I don't doubt their ability to make things work. SG1 is interviewing for a summer position as a research assistant for a professor at UC Santa Barbara who is doing some huge study or textbook writing, I'm not sure, on constitutional law, which is one of SG1's areas of expertise. Americorps continuous to drain her with its 12 hour days and endless demands for community activities on weekends. It is a means to an end, as after two years with them, they will give her 10 grand, which will wipe out her own student loans. I wish they would give me some money to pay off my portion of her student loans. All in all, it is not much, considering that it costs around $50,000 per year to send a student through a private U.S. college or university. You either have to be rich or smart. And I'm sure you can imagine which category we fit into.

SG2 is not taking classes this semester at BU. She applied for a paid internship at the Boston Globe and got it. She's not thrilled about working the 5:30 to 1:30 am shift but she says she's learned more in a month of the internship than she has over the course of the five semesters of journalism classes she's taken. I worry about her ability to find work in print media, as newspapers are folding and cutting back jobs like crazy these days.

I am otherwise healthy and fortunate to be 83% Happy. You, my blog pals, are responsible for more than just a few percentage points of that!

This song is for my beloved family and for all of you who care enough to come here often or even every once in a while.

What's Goin' On - It's a Snow Day!

I love snow days. Some of my co-teachers don't like snow days because it means we have days to make up at the end of the school year. I don't mind getting up and going to work in good weather, so a few extra days of school tacked on in June doesn't bother me one bit.

It's really pretty out there but I still have a lot to do to get the house ready for my mother's visit. I'm actually enjoying the domesticity of it all. At this stage in my life, I much prefer the domesticity thing to the student thing.

As some of you know, I've embarked on a journey through "higher education" to try and obtain a masters in education, with emphasis in special education, including a additional teaching license. In Massachusetts, they aren't cutting anyone any slack. And did I mention it's expensive? And why did I not suspect more strongly that the quality of this education would be mediocre? The classes are all at night and and in the summer. I don't mean to be a snob, as I was educated exclusively by public education and I work for the public school system. However, the quality of the instruction for night classes is fairly pathetic. Sigh. So I'm re-thinking if I want to continue pursuing this. I have a job and I'm not sure that the pay-off is worth what I will get back. What it would mean is that I would have more options outside my own school district. Hopefully at a slightly larger school with better resources.

The state of Massachusetts can more than afford to make the requirements stiffer. I don't know what the statistics are, exactly, but there is a very large pool of people wanting to enter the field of education right now including unemployed career-changers. Those who are already teaching, are swarming to update licenses and to obtain additional licenses that make them more flexible to their school districts.

I have a snow day from school to experience. What am I doing talking about school? 

 I haven't been taking many pictures for months now but I do have this one to share from last winter and it looks much like today. This one's from January of this year and there is a lot more snow on the bushes. Today we got 6-8 inches, I'm guessing. I haven't listened to a radio or turned on a TV today. I haven't had lunch yet. There is some Chinese take-out from last night for lunch. And then it's back to domesticville. I like the look of the snow from the cozy house.

Over the weekend I accomplished what seemed like an overwhelming task until I really tackled it:  cleaning out a closet in the upstairs bedroom with the remains of four teen-age girls. Wait. No. It's not that gruesome. It's really about objects from the past lives of four young women:  my two, who are 22 and almost 21 and WP's two who are 25 and 27. The only one of them now who keeps an address here is my younger SG2 who a junior in college in Boston.

Several phone calls were made and some determinations were made about what would be saved and what would be throw out or donated. When all is said and done, I took out of the closet (and from a couple of drawers) two large bags of trash and three large bags for Sal's. I reclaimed the closet. It's neat and clean and organized. I made room for my suitcases, which are always being shuffled about. The room itself looks really good. It's so 1950's with its built-ins, painted light yellow. And oh the charm of a hardwood floor that a teenager once took red permanent marker to, circa 1999. It's mostly covered up with a rug. When I whine about it, WP tells me "put it on this list" and sighs. The list grows ever longer. Sigh indeed.

Among the things remaining in that closet, one thing strikes me most:  the two wedding gowns; the ones my daughter and daughter-in-law wore on their wedding day when they up and eloped to San Francisco to take advantage of their right to marry. It was a right that was to last only a few short months in California but their marriage is legal, even after the passage of Prop 8. It was mind-boggling the planning they had to do in advance to make the decision to marry when they did. For practical and legal reasons, they had to marry in California and they knew that there would be a small window before they took it away again. So when people comment that my twenty-two-year-old is too young to be married, she responds politely with "so people tell me" and smiles. So do I. Although I did think she was too young to get married. And a year later, I fully understand. She's happy, she is working hard for Americorps and she's putting her ducks in a row for graduate school. And she's married. To a wonderful young woman - my fifth daughter, really.  That makes me smile. Girls. Girls. Girls. I love it.

WP's oldest, M lives in San Francisco and early this summer, so early this summer, I fly to Santa Barbara to spend time with SG1 and the Beloved and then flying to San Francisco to visit WP's daughter. Two birds on the west coast and two on the east coast. So Far.

SG2 is flying the nest more slowly. Given her nature since babyhood, I am not surprised. She struggles with college sometimes in that she is at a big university and things have a tendency to get boggled more as a result. She's not sure if she wants to be a journalist now and she is considering a master's in another field. She is an excellent, talented writer but if she is going to have any financial autonomy, she has to put her skills to use and be able to support herself. She loves Boston and she's made some very close friends there. Her boyfriend since September is a BU student as well and plans on sticking around. Another child to fly away soon. And you never stop worrying about any of them. We are very fortunate, though. We worry because it is the nature of parents to do so but we thankfully don't have much to seriously worry about with this bunch. I am always grateful for this.

SG2 relaxing outside the MFA

I will leave you with another photo from a wintry last year. I did speak of birds and nests, didn't I?  ;-)

If you're interested, the post below is on America artist Milton Avery. Tell me which is your favorite!

Music for Sunday - Brett Dennen - I Will Be The One

Back From Vacation (With Photos)

Hi everyone! I hope you're all having a great summer.

The Supergirls and I are back from a trip to Barcelona and Lisbon. I'm still a bit tired from the trp and the oppressive humidity of the Northeast is sapping me of energy after the lovely blue skies and hot, dry temperatures of sunny Portugal.

We had a great time. Barcelona was a bit of a whirlwind. I would have liked to have spent another three days there. Lovely city for tourists.

Portugal is more of my heart, as I have no less (and probably more) than twenty wonderful aunts, uncles and cousins who made time to spend with us on this trip. The family fix warmed my heart, as I feel a touch of isolation here in the states where I have virtually no extended family.

Here are a few photos from our trip. I'm hoping to create a slideshow to put on the sidebar with a lot more photos for those of you who would like a glimpse of what we saw.

Meanwhile, I must help Sugergirl One put the final touches on her packing, as I'm taking her to the airport for her one-way flight to Santa Barbara. She's on her way to her Beloved Wife and her new life. More details to follow!

All the love,
Pagan Sphinx

Click on photos for optimum viewing size

Supergirls: a building in the Ciudad Vella
Barcelona

click on photo for best viewing size

The Supergirls in Barcelona with Gaudi's Templo Expiatorio de la Sagrada Familia;
(Expiatory Temple of the Holy Family) in the background


Waiting for the bus to Obidos
My mother and me


The fortified wall around the castle at Óbidos Portugal


Praia de Balial
(Balial Beach) Peniche, Portugal

Torre de Belém
(Tower of Belem)
Lisbon, Portugal

The courtyard at the Quinta dos Loridos Vineyards and Winery
Bombarral, Portugal

See You at the End of July (and some music from Mariza)

The Supergirls and I are off to Barcelona and Lisbon tomorrow! Wish you were coming along. Meanwhile, I have some Portuguese music to share with you.

The totally modern Mariza, performing a Portuguese song from the 40s, with a completely modern twist. You really need to listen at least for a few minutes. She's amazing. A totally drop-dead passionate and evocative vocalist.

Mariza was born in the overseas Portuguese Provence of Mozambique. My dearest Portuguese aunt and her daughters, my chummiest cousins, lived there for many years until they returned to Portugal in the late 1970s. Mozambique was taken back by its original people and all the white colonialists had to beat feet. A good thing for that country and a loss of their home for my relatives. But heck, they're over it! I didn't cut them a lot of slack when they told their story but I was glad that they were okay and back home safely. Most of the Portuguese actually got off pretty easy, given their overbearing, colonial presence in a country that didn't belong to them.

I apolozie for the tangent but it all started when I read that Mariza is the child of a Portuguese father and a partially African mother. For years I have wanted to see this incredible woman perform. Fado is a style of Portuguese music that dates back to the 1820s or earlier. It is a very dramatic, passionate and compelling musical style. There is also a style of Fado that is lighter and sounds more like folk music. The dramatic Fado reminds me closest to American blues, though perhaps there is a better analogy. I'm hoping my friend Singing Bear can analyze it for me, cuz he's my resource for all things musical and he knows what he's talking about!Enjoy and I'll see at the end of July. Have a great summer.
All the Love,
Pagan Sphinx

What's Goin' On

There's a lot goin' on! I'm assembling my info for the application packet for the graduate (fast-track) program I'm enrolling in. The first class starts on June 29. That means that I have one precious week after school ends and before I start attending M-TH, from 2:30-7:30 daily, with an hour plus round-trip commute. This ends on July 9.

In two weeks SG1 and The Beloved are graduating from college; cum laude and with thesis honors. Several activities are planned that weekend, which is Memorial Day weekend. The girls are moving into their tiny apartment on the Santa Barbara University campus mid-August. That is starting to settle in, though it's still hard for me to imagine my daughter living a continent away from me. She has applied for a AmeriCorp job which she is eagerly awaiting word about. The Beloved will have her graduate studies and stipend and SG1 hopefully will be working a job with benefits. AmeriCorps is perfect: offers benefits, money toward the cost of paying off student loans and a small stipend. We're really hoping she gets it. She would be perfect in that setting.

SG2 is home for the summer and will be starting her summer job this weekend at the supermarket. She's somewhat despondent about leaving Boston and all her friends. She's settled in very nicely this year and immensely looking forward to returning. This is cause for relief for me, her mother, because her first year was not her happiest. She and her high school boyfriend have parted ways for a few months now and she is seeing other boys, having fun and doing very well in school.

This summer SG1 and SG2 and I are going on vacation together to visit my mother in Portugal; not far from Lisbon. But before we do that, we're making a little stop. I'm splurging on three days and nights in Barcelona for us. I can't imagine the next time we'll have such an opportunity. The Beloved is flying home to Sacramento to spend her last summer with her family before she and SG1 resume their life as a couple. This is the perfect time for the three of us to do some bonding and funning together. Then we go relax with my mother and see the rest of my family and enjoy some hot Portuguese sun, some Atlantic Ocean and lots of great food.

These family trips to Portugal have tended to have sibling rivalry all over them in the past but we're going to try to behave as if that's not so. We three are older and wiser and hoping for the best. And I think we're all really going to try not to get on each other's nerves. (keeping fingers crossed). Speaking of the past. Here's a digital photo of a print (cuz I can't figure out this scanner and I just never get around to figuring it out) of us on vacation in Portugal in 92', I think it was. That flash is glare and the one making the goofy face is SG1, in her own little world.



I think I've accepted the fact that I have to get through this program in order to get out of the trap I'm in at work, which I can't discuss in very much detail here. Today was just awful. Every day that I have like this at work is just another indication of how I need to move on from there. It is simply just a bad fit between this workplace and me.

World and national politics have me burned out. I'm discouraged by the escalation of war. Instead of bringing the troops home from Iraq, we're gearing up big-time for Afghanistan and Iran. I didn't expect such hawkishness from this president. Go ahead and lecture me, if you need to. I know a lot of people feel that Obama is between a rock and a hard place. But you can't convince me war is justified. It very rarely is. It should be a last resort. I know it's ideaistic but it's my conscience and I'm listening to it.

What are you all doing for the summer, do you know yet?

What's Goin' On

Monday afternoon: in the dentist chair for an hour having two fillings done - Drill, Baby, Drill. Ugh.

But there was a pleasant surprise later that evening: my daughter, Supergirl Two, age 19, and I had an IM chat where she thanked her dad and me for raising her with enough freedom to allow us to find ourselves but always managing to keep us safe. Blew me away.

One traumatic, life-changing event we were unable to prevent and I still find fault with myself as a parent over it: my older daughter, Supergirl One, was raped when she was sixteen, while on a date with a boyfriend. This triggered the bipolar disorder which, while far from dormant, perhaps would not have erupted with a vigor that landed her in a succession of psychiatric wards over the course of two years.

Despite all of that, I was able to breathe a giant sigh of relief in hearing from my daughter that she was okay with the way we'd raised her.

Tuesday morning: caught my hand in the ancient garage door that must have been designed long ago by the Marqi de Sade. Excruciating pain. Ice. Off to work. Very glum all day with the pain and not too happy regarding some of the things I had to deal with at work.

This morning was a real roller-coaster of emotions for me which, of course, I had to keep under wraps all morning until the kiddos went home; which today was early. Thanks for small miracles.
The afternoon went much better. I am currently engaged in a strong attempt to get to know and understand a co-worker who has posed tremendous challenges for me for two years. When we talked this afternoon, I felt a wall had come down between us and it felt quite good - to both of us, I think. There are other barriers to try to overcome but I'm encouraged.

Like a lot of us out there, I've hit an all-time low over what's happening with the campaign. I've been alternately angry and depressed and today, while listening to John McCain on the radio, I engaged in a loud, angry outburst in my car, which didn't help the headache I've been fighting off all week. What the fuck are we going to do?

I'm sure you've figured out the upshot: I've had a really crappy week so far. But this evening, I felt turned around a bit. How I can tell is that I have begun to smile over that compliment from my daughter, instead of continuing to blame myself for not keeping them safe enough. And I now have an incentive to proceed with my goal of trying to reconcile my differences with my co-worker in a way that is comfortable for both of us.

Hope. Sometimes it takes me days to find it. At one time it took me years.

Just Rolled In

Hey, kids!

We'rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr back and none the less for wear from the long drive. The house didn't burn down but the lawn is knee-high. The kids are pissed because I didn't leave them enough money for groceries and considering how they're starved and weak, I'm surprised that the house is so tidy. Aaaaah, maybe that's why the kitchen is so clean! I should starve them more often. ;-)

We had a great time in Nova Scotia but it's good to be home. I'll post some photos one of these days.

I hope you've all been well. I look forward to catching up with you all.

Love,
Pagan

Supergirls One and Two, July 4th, 2008

I'm trying out the new digi-cam that The Supergirls gave to me for my birthday yesterday. My birthday was actually on July 1 but we celebrated it on the 4th with W.P., his daughter L.P. and fiance', Alice, W.P.'s mother and A.P., his sister.

The photo above was taken last night at a spur-of-moment fireworks trek to southern Vermont. It's much chillier up north a ways and The Supergirls huddled under their blanket for warmth, as the sky lit up with fireworks. One of shells that was sent up exploded into a red heart momentarily. Sweet.

The best birthday gift the P family gave to me was their acceptance and congratulatory spirit toward Supergirl One's engagement to her Beloved. If there' s such a thing as a blessing, they have given it to me by the acceptance and decency I've been met with when I became a part of this family.

Which reminds me. I keep forgetting to tell you that W.P. and I are now officially engaged as well. Ring and everything. ;-) Please join me in raising a glass to my second time around.

No date. No hurry. :-)

What's goin' On

Supergirl One found a summer job. She starts work next week at what I call a Storybook Farm just over the river from my house. It's a strawberry farm, mostly but they also have cows and sell organic milk and cheese. When SG2 visited, her new boss was making cheese and already giving her pointers. She felt very comfortable with the gentleman farmer and when he told her that the whole family is into literature and writing, that was it. She'd found her niche for the summer!

Me, I'm lacking motivation. I thought that Spring and all her glory would help me lighten my step and begin all the household projects that need doing. Not a chance. I just want to play and blog and read and eat and sleep and hang out with W.P. and SG2.

Supergirl One is still at college. Today is the last day of her campus job and it's the day where I go down to Mount Holyoke and help her pack her stuff to move into the massive UMass campus for summer session. She's determined to graduate with her class of 2009, despite massive setbacks in her freshman and sophmore years due to bipolar illness and frequent hospitilizations. She'd also battled drug reactions, a severe skin rash from a virus and low blood pressure that caused her to pass out on several occasions. I'm continuously amazed, impressed and otherwise blown away by this girl's determination and intellect. Is this my kid? It's what you get when you cross a pagan sphinx with a cunning runt! hehehehe

As an aside, I know I'm boasting and that my English friends rather look down upon we Americans for it, but....SG1's semester GPA was a 3.9. No easy feat at that overly demanding elitist school. We're thrilled and proud and in the hopes of sounding humble, it has little to do with us at this point. Hell, I wanted her to go the easy route because I was concerned her illness would drain the life out of her and she wouldn't be able to do academics at that level. That girl has proven me wrong and that's what makes me so in awe of her.

I'm gearing myself up emotionally, if not in regard to cleaning and organizing my house, for my mother's visit at the end of June. My mother, for those of you who may not know, lives in Portugal. My family (including CR) who read this blog, know and understand fully how much I adore my mother; what a good relationship we now have and how much The Supergirls look forward to basking in her unconditional love - because she is good at that. There are complications, of course.

This is a case where Love can't be everything. Supergirl One, whom my regular readers know is gay and engaged to be married to a lovely young woman, is intent on telling her grandmother that she's a lesbian. SG1 wrote to me an eloquent email explaining her reasons for this. Below is an excerpt from that email:

The choice is between upsetting her [where, honestly, the onus is on her, because she is potentially the party to be behaving negatively] and acting against my own sense of dignity and pride by lying about one of the most fundamental and important aspects of my life. The latter choice also has repercussions for my relationship and the trust I share with my partner.

My own personal worry is not that my mother will be rude or angry but that she will consider this another form of Tragedy. I grew up with the various forms of Tragedy. Besides death, illness and suffering, and natural disasters, Tragedy as defined by my Portuguese family comes in the form of Alcoholism, Adultry and anything else that disgraces one's family. She will doubless be heartbroken by the news that her lovely grandaughter is a lesbian and plans on shacking up with a girl. My mother understands that gays get married. But "gays" are those other people over there somewhere in a world she doesn't understand.

My mother is 77 years old and has been through a tremendous lot. I don't want this news to put her over the top. Honestly, I have no clue as to how she will come to grips with this. Especially without my father, who died almost three years ago. Who will help her to understand? It will have to be me, of course. When SG1 gives her grandmother the news, she'll then go back to her dorm for summer session, while I sit with my mother and help her to contemplate this. I'm worried and sad and frustrated that I have to be burdened by this! My mother will doubtless blame this tragedy on either my divorce from The Supergirls' father or the bipolar disorder, or both.

To complicate things, my Portuguese is not what it used to be and certain things are just so hard to labor into translation. I have this upstanding, proud family where I am the only member of the immediate family who has divorced. It confuses me, really. We have so many nutcases in the family - depression and bipolar illness have touched the lives of several family members. But something like a same-sex relationship can put everyone over the top! WTF?

I'm projecting but with a very good scope consisting of 48 years of experience being a part of my family. We'll see what happens, but Happen it must.